ick.

There are so many things playing in my mind right now. one thing i need is to blurt it out. i lost a lot of people in my life (aside from being dead, like i felt like i lost them coz we dont see/speak to each other) and i gotta let go of the fact that they are mad at me coz I am failing at almost everything. Kelly was right. No one is actually saying it im just being my old self getting paranoid and self-saboteur. Is it weird that its 10pm and I wanna clean downstairs? I really wanna do and look at pictures. Nah. Im too cozy in my bedroom anyway.

positivity

one thing i learned is pag negative ka,thats the thing you attract, negativity. as if hindi ko pa alam yon. kailangan ko ng human connection. sa grindr naman ibang klase din e. flaredup ang psoriasis ko coz of stress. and wala akong makuhang work. hindi ko alam kung bakit. ang ganda naman ng resume ko. i am still grateful for a lot of things. sa totoo lang. hindi ko alam pano nasusurvive ng mga tao tong pandemic nato. so many random things to say sa totoo lang. ang dami kong di nagagawa. di na nga ako kumakanta nowadays. wala pang nangangamusta. wala pang pumuporma. nakakainis. tapos boses ko sa utak ko lang ang gumagana. hindi ko kaya ang random people. yung basurero dito galit na galit lagi. sana kaya kong sumigaw gaya nya.. hindi ako makatulog. tapos yung ubod mahal kong cable naputol di ko pa naman makita resibo non for warranty. kaasar. should i do vlogging? parang kailangan kong kumita ng dolyar. hindi naman gumagana mga afam na sugar daddy e. yung isa scammer pa. jusko. maging scammer na lang kaya ako kaso di kaya ng kunsensya ko manira ng araw ng ibang tao deliberately.

inaanxious ako kasi mgbibirthday si dex. may gusto akong ibigay e. kaso di kaya ng budget.kaya todo hanap ng paraan. ano naaaaaaaaaa. hindi ko alam nangyayari. lumilipad na naman isip ko.

what the actual fuck!!!

 my upwork account is on hold.

the companies i applied for dont call me back.

the paypal games i had were scamming.

when will i get a fuckin break!!!!

i will love you forever dex gacad

 i have never been the same without you i will never be whole. i will forever feel horrible that i made mistakes and i lost you because of those. i love you so bad.

hello?

 does anyone read this blog? if so, please text me please. i need human connection. my dog farted ugh

this pandemic.//giving up?

 lately, i have been feeling really anxious about evrything especially my financial status. i have been trying to get a job and seemed like they lost interest on me like they dont call back or I'm left wondering if I got in or what. they seem to approve of me but why arent they calling back to tell when im going to start. thnk god for the help of some of my friends that i get by. but dude the online loans i have. i mean, they kept piling up coz i havent paid them  i mean how can i. i dont know where to get money. imagine that one night, i have to ride a cab just to go to banco de oro to withdraw but it was still on my paymaya so i have to transfer pa and then my phone died. imagine that i cant even pay the cab and have to run and ask for a hundred to a neighbor i barely know, (paid him the next day). i cant even say how rock bottom ive been. i have debt with trish, ivan, miss kaye, ruth, and god knows who pa but i am drowning. i am literally catchiing my breath everytime i think of it and receive a text from the threatening  online loan but im thankful im alive and well of course. its just that it was harder coz dex broke up with me again last july, and now is the perfect time that i needed someone by my side, then ryan and rae have this huge wall for me, roemart hates me, ivan and everyone hates me i know, i always have this lingering thought that everyone hates me, hence me being alone and anxious. this pandemic should end or it will just drive me crazy. birthday's coming up and i feel like a failure that no one wants. its just so hard to stand up again.

quarantine day 73

Ok so its general communit quarantine and we still dont have a transpo. even backriding is still illegal. theres no chance in hell that im going to get assistance, so im stuck literally.

it almost 12mn and im watching carrie. if i could just do this. ugh the things i would do.

still fixing my iphone. and using the old android phone. blech. bulok.

It's 225 am and I have to write this down offline coz my phone suddenly lost its display and two, I have no wifi. Now Im not sure when did the ecq start? was it march 15?... anyway, today is the first day of the general community quarantine. and I realized a lot of things during this lockdown. One, I really got to rely on hope coz there were instances that it was driving me nuts coz I was alone in the house. But, I was never alone. I had my friends that I could call or talk to online when I had a phone and data.  Two, I have my sister. There were a few moments that triggered my panic attacks, like getting my meralco bill. I quit my job before the pandemic, Which was a bad move I suppose. Coz I can work at home. Too bad, I got sick before it happened and my flu was horrendous. It was embarassing enough, reason that I would not go to the office 'coz I was chat support and our bay usually is a bay of typing and clicking. No one's really blabbering unless its an idle time. SO I dont wanna be coughing like Im dying. Coz I sounded like that. Dying. So no job, no money. What's depressing is I did not get assistance from government like sss, dswd or dole coz the barangay said, I'm alone and single. How sad is that.

Forgive me, I cant sleep. Thats why im here typing my misery away. Getting so paranoid that there is someone walking up the stairs coz Im hearing the floor creaking.

And I lost a friend. He's one of the people that I can count on actually. Julio. He's usually my go to when things are crazy. His idiotic jokes and stories always crack me up. He's silent but man, that kid. I just cant dwell on that so moving on...

Realizing, that during these times,  the street, the traffic, isnt so bad after all. I think Ive complained too much before that this virus changed everything.

Catharsis.

Its almost 5 am and i have a lot of words brewing inside my raging brain. My heart is so shattered I cant feel anymore. I guess this fight will be a john wick one. A one-man army. I dont trust anyone to understand what I feel anymore. I lost a bestfriend who has supported me all the way because Im too sad. I was even compared to the leech of a person that he had unrequited love with. I think I stopped talking to him after hearing those words because I never thought there will come a time that he will stop understanding the pain Im having. The clusterfuck of shit that I go through. It was cathartic to sabotage myself on social media being petty and all but then I also stopped trusting the people I am connected with.

I really guess we all die alone huh. And no one can save us but ourselves. Im just waiting for the right time where I will feel needed again and all they will hear is No. This superman complex has left earth and I will be the ego-maniac you dont wanna be around with. Its just that I have to start living comfortably with my own skin. I was too sad to move. So i guess the only way back is to turn around.  And forget everyone existed. I will return the favors I had to survive and just move along without anyone except for my family. being happy and successful is really the brightest middle finger they will see.

May sound sad but a solid plan though. God I am so mad right now. I cant let this shit people ruin me using my own mind. I will be awesome like I ever was. Because I am born to be awesome and we have seen him before. This was just a phase after losing my mom. And my favorite dog. I just have to really stand up soon and relearn all the selfish things Ive done. I will not care for anyone Im sorry.

On backstabs.

At this day in age sometimes, all we think is life survival. Bills, work and what life has brought us. Friends come and go, relationships may work but one things for sure, there will be people you might  consider your friend and the next thing you know, youre out of blood due to the wounds on your back you'll never imagine you'll have. I am a very trusting person and I easily get attached. I also find myself investing a lot of emotional support when things go rough. But this recent relationship I had, got ruined by the people I trusted. Fueled a jealousy that may had a basis but way too over, instead of fixing it, theyd rather make me as a gaslighter. That instead of talking to us, we were like kids playing tug of war, whose side in on whose, instead of handling it like adults. There is one person I considered close because when he had a breakup with his bf, I let them fight in our house, get drunk and cleaned up their vomit, I was also on his side when he started to lose friends. I know im kinda stubbon on private shit, I read stuff, my fault to browse my hubbys phone and read the conversations that lead my heart to get broken into pieces. I felt like i also lost my friends in real life already and I have to deal with this on my own. I was shattered. And because of the things they feed him, he got to a judgment that hurt me, another person that got involved (well, for being a fucking whore trying to snake his way to my hubs) making it look like its a clean thing to do. without considering what we feel after breaking up. That breakup was for a good cause. I felt like I was the bigger person for letting him go until people started to get involved being the devils advocate. I mean they could have reasons to hate me, but at least dont step inside my house, right? These judases are out of control. Now I have to just swallow the rage and live like i never care. As long as were together. Hope this is the right thing to do. Im praying for our love. And for their souls.

shitposting.

after so many years, heartbreak must be my motivation on blogging. since ive been shitposting on social media, the least chance that i am bothering anyone is through my blog. gotta stay out of any messaging platfroms coz i now realized that i am really fucking pathetic begging for answers i know im not really going to get.

so i was so in love with an asshole for 2 years. i mean hes way younger than me so i let his insensitivity slide. looking to other guys, thirst trapping, and then i thought of mindfucking him by telling stories, and also messaging other guys so i guess that psych strategy didnt work out. instead, he used his father's death to breakup. but then seeing him sleep around hurts me coz in the back of my head, i always hope that we will be back together. no matter what he did during the breakup days, i was ready to accept him anytime he wants. until my friends hated him because of what they witness thats happening to me. i lost the energy i once had, that i have this aura of wanting to be alone. i hate it that every single thing reminds me of him. i thought i could accept it but i am just okay to hating him. i think hes deliberately hurting me making me see those facebook comments, tagged photos and shit, whoring around showing off that hes so fuckable, he doesnt care about HIV.

and i cant believe my masochistic pathetic self for chaasing him everytime theres a chance, because hes so boring and lacks a lot of diskarte in life pushed him to chase his dreams and supported him on all his decisions, carrying the relationship alone, man, i cant even think of a time when he initiated to eat out or watch a movie. i even made him aware of what pop culture is. i mean i gave him the cool o he could be more confident of himself. and what i get is this shit.

now i feel better. thank you internet. ill go back to watching netflix. i was just triggered folding his garbage of underwears. i just wnna throw all of those out.

Tadah.

I welcome myself back to the blog world. Just imported my Multiply blog and was surprised that I swirled back to 2003. Geez. 9 years of blogging and I still sound like myself. Back to where I was.

Guess blogging was really therapeutic for me.

 Ok so let me start with where I am right now. I am currently in my Mandatory Leave (which is basically 2 weeks and Im on my 10th day. It was an emergency leave coz my skin disorder flared-up. Up tp 90% of my body. I have been battling with psoriasis since last year.

Well it appeared when I was 13 but nothing this noticeable. This is the worst Ive ever had. I was taking meds for it whenever it starts to flare up. I was talking Methotrexate (MTX for short), along with ultraviolet exposure (which is called Phototherapy) plus some topical cream, which really worked for me. Until the absence of MTX since April.

 It was out of stock since April and there could be chances that it was available but a pharmacist said once its there, it just takes 2 days and its gone. Oh I just gave up explaining what I feel about this "phenomenon".

MTX is used for rheumatism, cancer and I dont know what else. But for what its worth, at least what I have isnt deadly. Painful at times, but unlike the big C. So I somehow worry for the people with it. Pano yon kung wala silang suppresant?

 Anyway, so my derma made me switch Meds and its 20 times more expensive. No exaggeration. I take MTX 3x for the first 2 weeks. Then its tapered down. Like for example, I take it during my restdays, once every 12 hours. So for a month, I am just taking approximately 10 tablets. One tab is worth 12 pesos. Thats 120Php for a month. Now, Im on neotigason. The fact that I need a waiver, not just a prescription, somehow makes me panic a little. I have to take Neo twice a day. For 15 days. So I will be needing 30 capsules. 1 capsule is worth 115 pesos. 250 a day. Times 30 (for a month). Thats 7500Php. Im sorry. Its not 20x. Thats 62.5 more expensive. And not just that, The progress isnt as fast as MTX.

 I am just shaking my head right now. I just hope this gets over soon. I just wanna live normally like the rest of the world does. Im on my first week taking Neo. And I have to get back to work 5 days from now. Gad.

Meanwhile, I will be finding a good domain name provider. Hope to update my blog every now and then. ^^

So here I go again

It has been a long time since Ive touched this blog. Thank god for the iPhone app, I could just rant anywhere, anytime. 😁

Ive been busy with work since last year. You might as well know, Ive landed on a decent job in Makati, in which, pleases me sooooo much. Good pay, happy people.

Nothing to tell as of now. But lets see what happens if Ill be back here ranting or not.

The Burnout.

I woke up with the weirdest mood. I usually spend my time facing the computer and this day made it odd. I was so bored, I dont even want to go to the office anymore.

Not working isnt reality, I know. But it's just like its too routinary, or mundane, and sometimes, super frustrating. Im not complaining ladies and gentlemen. I know that most of us are dreaming on getting enough money, or more, just to waste your time, being a sloth or a bear who just wanted to hibernate. I think Im old. I just wanna spend my time sleeping. In which, I really dont want to do.

I wanna go to the mall again, buy things I'll think I might need someday. That ends up dusted and boxed til the end of time. I just wanna get my own place, have a car, and strut like a douche without anything to do. Oh my god i just wanna get rich NOW.

My life is a total bore nowadays. I just go to work, then home, or to the hospital 3 times a week to get my phototherapy treatment. Which is soooooo costly by the way. It will seem like I am working to just get that treatment. Doctor says psoriasis is triggered by stress, and I am stressed with my life. Solving problems, which by the way, ARENT MINE. I just like to go away, and not worry about anything. Feel the rain and the sun. Talk with friends, dwell with insult-based humor, cook, blah.

I dont want to work. Gad.

Now

(Apps) Where Did My Money Go?

I have been having that question since high school. Everytime you have cash on hand, small expenses are usually forgotten, not learning your lesson of budgeting well.

I have tried a couple of mobile expense trackers. I installed EasyMoney on my android phone. It has categories that will soon collect input and puts a percentage report, to which category you have spent most. You will also see the details after clicking on the category percentage rate. My trouble with it was, customization. It doesnt allow me to add my own category and I cant see my expenses in daily or weekly order. I cant remember if this app is limited for 30 days only since i only downloaded it as a free app.

I also used Expensify on three phones. iOs, Blackberry and Android. You can attach a picture of your receipt whenever you put in a data. This is a free app, but you can only use it online. Function is nearly perfect but I find it complicated to use.

I am now using CashTrails on iOs. I downloaded a free version and tried it for a week. You can customize currency, it lets you set auto-conversion (e.g. dollar to PhP), sets Accounts, very easy-to-read reports (category-wise, via date and structure), transfer of balance (for more convenient tracking) and its offline. I purchased it for 3.99$ (thats about 200PhP) and I never had a problem using it.

As I track my expenses, I also get to know what I ate, where Ive been, and who Im with. It seemed like a journal using money language. I just hope I could budget well. Looking back makes me feel so guilty on what Ive bought impulsively. But not the app :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

For Your Entertainment: Child Contestant on Willing Willie

I have watched the video without reading the blog content of the person who posted this. And so I thought, ah, this guy seemed to be the most obvious sitting duck coz he does not have shame to do such easy task of humiliating people, sugar-coating it as "help".

But this video... I cant even finish it. I stopped in the middle where the child seemed to be doing what he doesnt want to do. Not that I blame him for that. I blame everyone in the studio who enjoys that kind of entertainment, laughing every single time the kid says something real. "ano ang dad mo? Ano siya?" I was aghasted anticipating what the child might say and hear the world laugh from it.

This is just... like how I see gladiators try to fight a beast in the middle of an arena. Slave to poverty, trying to survive the things it commanded for him to do, from a monstrous need of others' entertainment. But in movies, fighters seemed tougher, braver and agile. Pretty much, an adult.

Now, how do we try to point out the details leading to this form of demise. The show itself promises hope for the people who needed money. But before joining in the so-called game, contestants must show their talent. Of course we know there is a screening for that, then why is this okay?

The audience pretty much enjoyed it. No one complained. In fact, they found it cute. They laughed every single time the child struggled for answers. Not needing a Psych degree, we all know whats going on inside that childs mind. He was nervous, scared and wondering... Why are they all laughing? Especially on the part where the host emphasized his question.

"Bakit may parlor tatay mo? Ano siya?"
"Kasi po... Para hanapbuhay."
"Ano ang ginagawa niya sa parlor?" "Naggugupit."

After the second question thrown out, the audience laughed as if it was a big joke.

So I cut my writing to this part and watched the video again. The kid was crying when he was dancing like a stripper, stopped, then the host asked him to do it again. The place was roaring with laughter. They were applauding, then Willie asked, "sino nagturo sa yo nyan?" "Si Tita po tsaka si Papa."

So the kid might be thinking, this aint bad. I was just dancing. But we all know its wrong. Its pretty much teaching him words he doesnt understand, and let him say it. We know that, that is never okay.

Norms are dictated by the society. A thing seems right if majority agrees that it actually is.

The last minute of the video got weirder. The kid stood on the stage as the platform lifted while adults were pretending to be excited to touch him. If its Justin Beiber they were trying to imitate, he didnt gyrate like a helpless kid.

It is the entertainment many of us enjoyed. Little acts we ignore, laugh about, and wouldnt care less after. We swam on apathy, drowning to the darkest trench our kids learn to hold their breath to.

SomedayDream

As we go through a phase where the OPM scene is conquered by foreign acts, all those Filipino songs that linger inside cabs, jeepneys, convenience stores and probably in every teen's mp3 player are replaced by a language that an ordinary pinoy can't understand, it is a different feeling knowing that a different-sounding pure Filipino artist is frequently hitting the radio charts.

It was a rainy afternoon when we dropped by a recording studio and Rez aka SomedayDream happened to be there. We were there to listen to a friend's new album that has already been released months ago, and then a catchy unfamiliar digital pop song started playing caught our attention. To describe it easily, it is somehow similar to the previous independent artist Owl City. I thought, for a 20-year-old new artist, in the dark age of the OPM scene, how can he pull this off?

But a few months later, I got to tune in to my usual radio station and his first independently released song "Hey Daydreamer" is climbing the charts on speed. DJs were receiving calls who the artist was and also were surprised that he is Pinoy. The track is not your ordinary feel-good song that would just make you sway and sing along. It would make you tap your feet and clap with the rhythm. (So I suggest that you will never do that while driving.)

Somedaydream is Rez himself. Similar to Chris Carraba as Dashboard Confessional that started being a solo artist then grew as a band. One thing about SDD is it makes us anticipate for his next songs that will soon invade the airwaves and hopefully start a new trend to rebuild the striving music industry.

Visit Somedaydream's Facebook Page, http://www.facebook.com/somedaydream and follow his Twitter page @sdrez.

Year-end.

I expected a shortage of cabs this morning but it wasnt like this. It's more of 2 empty cabs an hour if you see the ratio. I was already late meeting up with Mamu and the rest of my friends going to Zong Centris. Its at the corner of EDSA and Q.Ave. It's actually my first time going there and I thought it's a new mall that I just ignored passing by EDSA.

It rained when I was passing by Araneta. Traffic was okay til I was crossing the other side of the highway. Off the cab, I saw a gloomy looking mall with a big SM hypermart inside. This couldn't be it, I thought. Walked around, texted Mamu, and she replied "Malapit sa bilog bilog." Like what? Then I saw Leeza hurrying up the stairs, dodging the rain.

So we walked a little and saw a little Fort Bonifacio-ish area. With mushroom-like structures and, I suppose, a high-end one. It had restos like Clawdaddy, Itallianis and a Fully Booked waiting to be constructed. It also has a carousel and a mini-train in the middle of the park.

Zong, Centris

Mini-Train

They mentioned these mushroom-like towers are solar-powered. Hmmmm

Centris

Mamu, Jamie, Hannah and Hazel were already there at Zong. As far as I can recall, we were the only people eating there. But I tell you that the food was great.

I seriously didn't know the name of what we ate but I just munched my morning away.

So Celest, and Champ arrived as we were talking and laughing and chewing all at the same time. We are called happy friends for a reason. Jamie brought their awesome cake (which Ive heard was a bestseller last Christmas) then Mamu and Hannah gave us gifts. Oh I forgot to mention that our camwhoring theme was Asian poses. Since I think the 2009 boom of peace-sign poses evolved into many.

Me/Brick-shitting Bunny, Leeza/Crying Lady, Champ/Bunny/Devil/I seriously dont know

Had coffee after at Coffee Bean and stayed there for hours. Kristina arrived looking pretty6 as she is. Then everyone still talked about lovelifes, music, the industry and mainly just camwhoring. KC, Mamu's niece, was also there and played in the park before everyone parted ways. Jamie dropped me off at Trinoma, so I could pick up some things before going home.

(L-R) Joan, Me, Leeza, Champ, Mamu, Hannah, Hazel, Jamie ♥, Celest took the pic ^_^

I posted at Facebook that I was there and Ivan texted me to wait for them. We looked at some shoes, stopped by at Cibo to grab some drinks then decided to watch Dalaw in Newport Cinema, Resorts World. I never wondered what's in there except that its a big-ass Casino but it looked like um... a building full of stuff.

So Jam, Jp, Ivan and I went from north to south, listening to 2010 hits, remixed by DJ Bryan Cua. Checked if the LFS was 1045 and somehow surpised that a ticket costs 500 pesos.

Wanna know why? Seats were velvet lazyboys, unlimited cheese/buttered popcorn, unlimited soda of your choice, and a personal butler. Like you just press a button if you want your bucket refilled. A friend said who would want an unlimited popcorn? Well, I had 6 buckets.

Movie was too predictable. But its somehow okay. Somehow. Whatever I was enjoying my seat. I couldve slept it off.

After the movie, at around 1230mn, we went to Jupiter for some Chicboy. Its grilled chicken/pork cebuano style. I dunno if some people havent tried it yet but its great for its price. Really cheap and really good. Awesome combo.

The next day, I got me some groceries for New Years eve but the day was awful. It didnt match up with my awesome day though. Next next day, Trish and I had our year-end tradition by grabbing coffee while summarizing our entire year. We both had a great year though and felt like 2011 is going to be really promising. :D

Happy New Year everyone! ♥

Prince and the Princess.

The #1 thing that I want for Christmas...

... is just to be with her. I love you so much Gab. ♥