It Consumes Like Fire.

it has been the longest days of my life and no matter how i distract myself by having fun... i always end up sleepless in front of my pc, trying to filter out what to type just to suck out the bore in telling everything.

i have been so angry lately. really really angry. with the people who thought they had the right to do terrible things to their family, partners and friends. kudos to the rolled-in-one species.

we all know that in every aspect of our action, right or wrong, theres always a reason behind it. but having reasons do not mean things are justified. we have the right to be angry, but we dont have the right to hurt anyone. especially if we have our murky judgments hanging out of our sleeves. i myself is aware of my faults that i might have been overlooking the past few years, taking things for granted, but i think, personally, the easiest way to wake up a person who's forgetting things, is to grab his attention. a calm tap on the shoulder, thrice, then tell the person, hey im here. talk. listen. converse. and thats what we call in our world, communication.

i believed, (take note of the past tense, ey) that patience should compensate love, sacrifices should compensate faith and compromises should compensate relationships. and i just realized that when you have all this principles to yourself, ignorant people could just do their faults and say sorry about it, (im using the overused word "sorry") then as a person who has absorbed these things should just forgive. unfair. but we all know that life is not fair. or should i go beyond my crisis and check it again.

the last time i checked, it really isnt.

and when you live in a dog eat dog world, how could the submissive you just let life pass you by then believe that there is something worthy waiting for us on the edge of it. like heaven for instance. are we really that willing to take a risk, to not protect ourselves with defenses that could hurt another person?

as a matter of fact, there is really no gold at the end of the rainbow. coz if we try to be 80% good just to fit in the gates of heaven, then make your life as miserable as hell, i think we should also have the journey to get that gold first.

i am running out of faith in everything. and maybe in some way, i really still do believe that there wouldnt be any compassion if there is no suffering. but compassion is just the juice out of the big fruit of suffering. it may be refreshing, but i dont think it would be enough to take away the pain.

now the question is... am i aware that i am consumed by anger? yes. and as much as i wanted to deny that i am bitter right now, im so sorry but i am. i will let anger consume me like fire, burn me into ashes, then i will still have the hope to rise again.

Shempre Sufries!

3 days to go and it's Anna's Birthday  so we planned a lil surprise party at Max's Tiendesitas. Kanina, 5pm, nagkasalubong kami nina Anna, Mamu, Ayen at Champ nung kasama ko si JM papuntang Maxs eh walang idea si Anna na may surprise kami (shempre surprise nga e) tapos sumigaw sha ng malakas nung nasa malayo sha tinatawag ako. ako nagulat pero di lumingon sa isip isip ko ta***na mabubuko kami ni anna eh may dala pakong paper bag na gift ko sa kanya. nagkaroon pa tuloy kami nina champ ng biglaang script.

anna: XAAAAAAAAAAVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
xavier: (wag kang lilingon wag kang lilingon)
mamu: anong ginagawa mo rito?
xavier: wala namimili lang... *kunwari shocked* putek ang weird bat andito kayo?
anna: HUY BAT DI KA NAMAMANSIN?!
xavier: (wag kang sasagot wag kang sasagot) *lingon kay champ* uy di ba may tugtog kayo later... anong ginagawa mo rito?
champ: naghahanap lang ako ng something tapos nagulat ako andito sina mamu. ikaw anong ginagawa mo rito?
xavier: namamasyal nga lang... putek tsong ang weird talaga? pati kayo nagkita lang rito? small world amp.
mamu: punta kaming maxs may childrens party. ayan may dala ka pang regalo hahaha. tara?
xavier: *super defensive* huy hindi ah. namili lang ako mukha ba tong pangregalo? um... maglilibot pa kami naghahanap kami ng...
JM: ... kama...
xavier: ...lava lamp. (tingin kay JM habang iniisip na BAT TAYO DITO MAGHAHANAP NG KAMA?).. sige mamu text text na lang sabay na tayo mamaya sa gig
champ: sira sumama ka na samin saka na yang shopping shopping na yan
xavier: nakakahiya namang magcrash makikikain lang ako *may hilahan pang naganap*

pagdating sa maxs...

SUFRIES!!!

tapos naka birthday hats na sina shel, kristina, jeymieh, honnoh, tookney, celest, bunchu, cecil, don, seven, and leeza tapos ayun nagcamwhore na pagkatapos kumain at ibulsa ni jamie ang mga caramel bars kahit nakatatlo pa rin ako hahaha. seven nasira mo yung mic hala! LOL

went around the pet village with don and JM, DAMN!!! i am really DYING to have a beagle. kailangan sa July meron na talaga. i was supposed to go to fete pero maraming nagsabi na total hassle daw tapos umulan pa. so i texted abhie and told her that im really not in the mood to go to malate na kasi nga umuulan pa. so JM and I went to eastwood with them to watch Fantastic Four na tinulugan ko lang kasi napanood ko na nga tapos naghilik pako HAHAHAHAHAHA sabi ni leeza tsaka seven. shet. nagising naman ako the final 20 minutes of the movie.

tapos tumambay sa xocolat kahit sa starbucks kami bumili kaya nasungitan yata si ayen habang nagcacamwhore uli kami sa stairs so intay intay na lang muna kami sa mga uploaders. ^_^

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA! may inuman pa tayo sa tuesday! *do the chickee dance*

speaking of... tangina ni chickee boy patay sha sakin tagpas palong nya tado sha.

Triangle.

Choices. A fact of life where everything could be black or white. good or bad. right or wrong. and the antagonist of it is impulse. I am known for being impulsive just to end a whole afternoon wondering or a month even. sometimes its not my emotions that control my impulses. its my weary mind. nakakapagod mamili. nakakapagod magisip. nagtataka nga ako, kung lahat ng dapat nating gawin ay mabuti, e di magiging masama.

ive actually pondered that if you want to end the suffering, then take a risk to decide. yun nga lang pag nagdecide ka... dapat maisip mo na pwedeng palalain ang suffering nung desisyon. yung tipong... okay... madaling magpatawad, at pwede mong maisip na pwedeng ibalik agad lahat sa dati... pero maibabalik nga ba? or yung tipong pag may nagkamali, bingo agad. does it realy deserve the phrase "second chance" kung hindi naman talaga buo yung chance na binibigay? o ganun lang talaga kakonti ang chance?

i also dont know how to let go of the obsession of checking things up. if somebodys still ym-ing, swapping text messages, leaving friendster comments, checking pictures... and still, everyday, i get to read about it. i get to see things about what they feel or react on some updates about her. and it still hurts me. i cant even stop myself, i feel like im totally deluded.

Persuasion. its either im persuaded to just forget things or to understand that its nothing. its something. its not that easy to forget either. and everytime im alone... here i am talking about it. persuaded that im loved by using BIG LINES like..

"mas lalo kong nalaman na para ka sakin. na ikaw lang ang taong kaya kong mahalin ng ganito. pinagdadasal ko lang na sana... ako yung para sayo. na kahit hindi ko pa sigurado, tinatanggap ko, na hindi. pero gabi gabi kong iniiyak na masabi mo uli lahat sakin yun. na para ako sa yo."

Akala ng lahat, mas maraming choices, mas masaya. Parang grocery lang. Tipong if youre on the right lane, and witness the product competition, you get to pick what fits your needs. na akala ng lahat, nakakataba ng ego yon. na nakakaup ng self-esteem. kaya nga naiisip ko na rin, bakit yung iba, kayang bumitaw lang ng basta basta? bakit ako, umaasa sa bagay na hindi ko naman dapat asahan? na nasabi ko ng hindi ako babalik, pero eto ako nagiisip. tangang nagpupuyat para magisip.


motherucking shit i am so lost.

Fine. I Give Up. Im Making A New Friendster Account.

Damn. Since I deleted my Friendster Account, there has never been a day that i wasnt asked about it. As much as i wanted to be firm about my decision... yes tricia, i am now convinced that its a necessity.

And Yes, its where people check if youre still alive and No, Aris, I am serious that I dont have any problems. God.

add me up if you still want to:

xavierxvi@gmail.com

I'm It.

tagged by Iza:

pressure nga hahaha. and i cant think of anything right now so ill repost those 6 weird things about me. lol

Instructions: Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1. i am Agoraphobic. i really dont like public places whenever im alone. people may think that im exposed in crowds but seriously, im having troubles with riding a jeepney. it has been 3 or 4 years since i rode a jeepney to somewhere a bit far like sm north edsa. i really hate big crowds. i love the mall but whenever im not with anyone, i feel like im having troubles breathing. i cant even walk outside our door without my iPod if i know ill be going out alone. im scared hearing all the people around me.

2. i am never an addict. to anything. i could indulge for a week, a month but i easily detach to a thing that i crave for a long time. then not want it again.

3. my mind keeps on thinking random things. problems, people, things i want to buy, winning the lottery kahit hindi ako tumataya, what to download, funny situations, fights and a lot more.

4. i dont like bringing umbrellas. kahit sobrang lakas ng ulan, ayokong nagdadala ng payong. pero nawalan ako ng choice nung nagkagirlfriend ako. lalo na siguro ngayon dahil kay gabby.

5. i am frigginly sentimental. whenever somebody gives me a thing or opens up a door for me, my heart melts as if its butter in an oven. then i usually take note of it and try to figure out on how to pay it back.

6. im weirdly a kid at heart. im a crybaby. and i love toys. i also have tantrums.

7. i hate bullies and manipulative bfs/gfs. BIG TIME. im a psycho bitch when i see a friend being bullied/manipulated. for me, its like telling the world that they could make fun out of your weakness because theyre cooler or smarter. which is actually pathetic and insecure. especially when they pretend to be concerned then deliver it in a demotivating way... so they could also prove that they are better persons. ugh.

tagging: hilawnatabs, enki18, april05, ironflower, wawawerz, leezadif, eplc ^_^

swirl.

since friday, everything has been so shaky, i literally wanted to go to church and pray to make everything okay.

i know theres nothing wrong about realizations and feeling so regretful, but from the hurt person's point of view, its all covered up with guilt when you could be able to forgive but cant make everything happen again like how it was.

when people say "you wont know what youve got til its gone", and then if you were the subject theyve been talking about, how would you actually make it alright for them, especially if youre not LITERALLY gone. like staying in their lives as a friend.

ang manhid ko na lang talaga. na tipong kahit alugin ang mundo ko ng mga pagbabalik, parang... wala na e. pano yun sa kanila? ayoko namang magcompromise uli tapos ako na naman yung masasaktan.

isa pa pala, my sister and her family will be living with me in my room for 2 weeks. ansaya kasi kasya pala kami. they were supposed to move in paranaque pero god, long story kung bat di natuloy so dito na lang din uli sila samin malapit. hooray. so kanina nagmistula akong ama't ina ng apat na bata. naghanda ng hapunan at lahat lahat. ang gulo. pero putsa ang saya.

ilang araw din akong di nakatulog. puro halos idlip lang pinakamatagal na tulog ko e apat na oras. last na yung show sa breakfast kanina na tanghali na kami nakauwi at nakatulog. nahihilo pa rin ako sa antok hanggang ngayon.

pero masaya. yun naman ang importante e. yung magsaya. ^_^

Happy Birthday Erika!!!

Sorry i had to go so early coz i was REALLY nauseous and yeah i think i was drunk. one thing ive realized though

a beer + 3 shots of cuervo + 2 kurant with sprite + 2 tequila rose + 3 baileys = hyperacidity.

i hope you enjoyed your day!!! i love you BFF! pictures ha!