quarantine day 73

Ok so its general communit quarantine and we still dont have a transpo. even backriding is still illegal. theres no chance in hell that im going to get assistance, so im stuck literally.

it almost 12mn and im watching carrie. if i could just do this. ugh the things i would do.

still fixing my iphone. and using the old android phone. blech. bulok.

It's 225 am and I have to write this down offline coz my phone suddenly lost its display and two, I have no wifi. Now Im not sure when did the ecq start? was it march 15?... anyway, today is the first day of the general community quarantine. and I realized a lot of things during this lockdown. One, I really got to rely on hope coz there were instances that it was driving me nuts coz I was alone in the house. But, I was never alone. I had my friends that I could call or talk to online when I had a phone and data.  Two, I have my sister. There were a few moments that triggered my panic attacks, like getting my meralco bill. I quit my job before the pandemic, Which was a bad move I suppose. Coz I can work at home. Too bad, I got sick before it happened and my flu was horrendous. It was embarassing enough, reason that I would not go to the office 'coz I was chat support and our bay usually is a bay of typing and clicking. No one's really blabbering unless its an idle time. SO I dont wanna be coughing like Im dying. Coz I sounded like that. Dying. So no job, no money. What's depressing is I did not get assistance from government like sss, dswd or dole coz the barangay said, I'm alone and single. How sad is that.

Forgive me, I cant sleep. Thats why im here typing my misery away. Getting so paranoid that there is someone walking up the stairs coz Im hearing the floor creaking.

And I lost a friend. He's one of the people that I can count on actually. Julio. He's usually my go to when things are crazy. His idiotic jokes and stories always crack me up. He's silent but man, that kid. I just cant dwell on that so moving on...

Realizing, that during these times,  the street, the traffic, isnt so bad after all. I think Ive complained too much before that this virus changed everything.

Catharsis.

Its almost 5 am and i have a lot of words brewing inside my raging brain. My heart is so shattered I cant feel anymore. I guess this fight will be a john wick one. A one-man army. I dont trust anyone to understand what I feel anymore. I lost a bestfriend who has supported me all the way because Im too sad. I was even compared to the leech of a person that he had unrequited love with. I think I stopped talking to him after hearing those words because I never thought there will come a time that he will stop understanding the pain Im having. The clusterfuck of shit that I go through. It was cathartic to sabotage myself on social media being petty and all but then I also stopped trusting the people I am connected with.

I really guess we all die alone huh. And no one can save us but ourselves. Im just waiting for the right time where I will feel needed again and all they will hear is No. This superman complex has left earth and I will be the ego-maniac you dont wanna be around with. Its just that I have to start living comfortably with my own skin. I was too sad to move. So i guess the only way back is to turn around.  And forget everyone existed. I will return the favors I had to survive and just move along without anyone except for my family. being happy and successful is really the brightest middle finger they will see.

May sound sad but a solid plan though. God I am so mad right now. I cant let this shit people ruin me using my own mind. I will be awesome like I ever was. Because I am born to be awesome and we have seen him before. This was just a phase after losing my mom. And my favorite dog. I just have to really stand up soon and relearn all the selfish things Ive done. I will not care for anyone Im sorry.

On backstabs.

At this day in age sometimes, all we think is life survival. Bills, work and what life has brought us. Friends come and go, relationships may work but one things for sure, there will be people you might  consider your friend and the next thing you know, youre out of blood due to the wounds on your back you'll never imagine you'll have. I am a very trusting person and I easily get attached. I also find myself investing a lot of emotional support when things go rough. But this recent relationship I had, got ruined by the people I trusted. Fueled a jealousy that may had a basis but way too over, instead of fixing it, theyd rather make me as a gaslighter. That instead of talking to us, we were like kids playing tug of war, whose side in on whose, instead of handling it like adults. There is one person I considered close because when he had a breakup with his bf, I let them fight in our house, get drunk and cleaned up their vomit, I was also on his side when he started to lose friends. I know im kinda stubbon on private shit, I read stuff, my fault to browse my hubbys phone and read the conversations that lead my heart to get broken into pieces. I felt like i also lost my friends in real life already and I have to deal with this on my own. I was shattered. And because of the things they feed him, he got to a judgment that hurt me, another person that got involved (well, for being a fucking whore trying to snake his way to my hubs) making it look like its a clean thing to do. without considering what we feel after breaking up. That breakup was for a good cause. I felt like I was the bigger person for letting him go until people started to get involved being the devils advocate. I mean they could have reasons to hate me, but at least dont step inside my house, right? These judases are out of control. Now I have to just swallow the rage and live like i never care. As long as were together. Hope this is the right thing to do. Im praying for our love. And for their souls.

shitposting.

after so many years, heartbreak must be my motivation on blogging. since ive been shitposting on social media, the least chance that i am bothering anyone is through my blog. gotta stay out of any messaging platfroms coz i now realized that i am really fucking pathetic begging for answers i know im not really going to get.

so i was so in love with an asshole for 2 years. i mean hes way younger than me so i let his insensitivity slide. looking to other guys, thirst trapping, and then i thought of mindfucking him by telling stories, and also messaging other guys so i guess that psych strategy didnt work out. instead, he used his father's death to breakup. but then seeing him sleep around hurts me coz in the back of my head, i always hope that we will be back together. no matter what he did during the breakup days, i was ready to accept him anytime he wants. until my friends hated him because of what they witness thats happening to me. i lost the energy i once had, that i have this aura of wanting to be alone. i hate it that every single thing reminds me of him. i thought i could accept it but i am just okay to hating him. i think hes deliberately hurting me making me see those facebook comments, tagged photos and shit, whoring around showing off that hes so fuckable, he doesnt care about HIV.

and i cant believe my masochistic pathetic self for chaasing him everytime theres a chance, because hes so boring and lacks a lot of diskarte in life pushed him to chase his dreams and supported him on all his decisions, carrying the relationship alone, man, i cant even think of a time when he initiated to eat out or watch a movie. i even made him aware of what pop culture is. i mean i gave him the cool o he could be more confident of himself. and what i get is this shit.

now i feel better. thank you internet. ill go back to watching netflix. i was just triggered folding his garbage of underwears. i just wnna throw all of those out.

Tadah.

I welcome myself back to the blog world. Just imported my Multiply blog and was surprised that I swirled back to 2003. Geez. 9 years of blogging and I still sound like myself. Back to where I was.

Guess blogging was really therapeutic for me.

 Ok so let me start with where I am right now. I am currently in my Mandatory Leave (which is basically 2 weeks and Im on my 10th day. It was an emergency leave coz my skin disorder flared-up. Up tp 90% of my body. I have been battling with psoriasis since last year.

Well it appeared when I was 13 but nothing this noticeable. This is the worst Ive ever had. I was taking meds for it whenever it starts to flare up. I was talking Methotrexate (MTX for short), along with ultraviolet exposure (which is called Phototherapy) plus some topical cream, which really worked for me. Until the absence of MTX since April.

 It was out of stock since April and there could be chances that it was available but a pharmacist said once its there, it just takes 2 days and its gone. Oh I just gave up explaining what I feel about this "phenomenon".

MTX is used for rheumatism, cancer and I dont know what else. But for what its worth, at least what I have isnt deadly. Painful at times, but unlike the big C. So I somehow worry for the people with it. Pano yon kung wala silang suppresant?

 Anyway, so my derma made me switch Meds and its 20 times more expensive. No exaggeration. I take MTX 3x for the first 2 weeks. Then its tapered down. Like for example, I take it during my restdays, once every 12 hours. So for a month, I am just taking approximately 10 tablets. One tab is worth 12 pesos. Thats 120Php for a month. Now, Im on neotigason. The fact that I need a waiver, not just a prescription, somehow makes me panic a little. I have to take Neo twice a day. For 15 days. So I will be needing 30 capsules. 1 capsule is worth 115 pesos. 250 a day. Times 30 (for a month). Thats 7500Php. Im sorry. Its not 20x. Thats 62.5 more expensive. And not just that, The progress isnt as fast as MTX.

 I am just shaking my head right now. I just hope this gets over soon. I just wanna live normally like the rest of the world does. Im on my first week taking Neo. And I have to get back to work 5 days from now. Gad.

Meanwhile, I will be finding a good domain name provider. Hope to update my blog every now and then. ^^

So here I go again

It has been a long time since Ive touched this blog. Thank god for the iPhone app, I could just rant anywhere, anytime. 😁

Ive been busy with work since last year. You might as well know, Ive landed on a decent job in Makati, in which, pleases me sooooo much. Good pay, happy people.

Nothing to tell as of now. But lets see what happens if Ill be back here ranting or not.