ick.

There are so many things playing in my mind right now. one thing i need is to blurt it out. i lost a lot of people in my life (aside from being dead, like i felt like i lost them coz we dont see/speak to each other) and i gotta let go of the fact that they are mad at me coz I am failing at almost everything. Kelly was right. No one is actually saying it im just being my old self getting paranoid and self-saboteur. Is it weird that its 10pm and I wanna clean downstairs? I really wanna do and look at pictures. Nah. Im too cozy in my bedroom anyway.

positivity

one thing i learned is pag negative ka,thats the thing you attract, negativity. as if hindi ko pa alam yon. kailangan ko ng human connection. sa grindr naman ibang klase din e. flaredup ang psoriasis ko coz of stress. and wala akong makuhang work. hindi ko alam kung bakit. ang ganda naman ng resume ko. i am still grateful for a lot of things. sa totoo lang. hindi ko alam pano nasusurvive ng mga tao tong pandemic nato. so many random things to say sa totoo lang. ang dami kong di nagagawa. di na nga ako kumakanta nowadays. wala pang nangangamusta. wala pang pumuporma. nakakainis. tapos boses ko sa utak ko lang ang gumagana. hindi ko kaya ang random people. yung basurero dito galit na galit lagi. sana kaya kong sumigaw gaya nya.. hindi ako makatulog. tapos yung ubod mahal kong cable naputol di ko pa naman makita resibo non for warranty. kaasar. should i do vlogging? parang kailangan kong kumita ng dolyar. hindi naman gumagana mga afam na sugar daddy e. yung isa scammer pa. jusko. maging scammer na lang kaya ako kaso di kaya ng kunsensya ko manira ng araw ng ibang tao deliberately.

inaanxious ako kasi mgbibirthday si dex. may gusto akong ibigay e. kaso di kaya ng budget.kaya todo hanap ng paraan. ano naaaaaaaaaa. hindi ko alam nangyayari. lumilipad na naman isip ko.

what the actual fuck!!!

 my upwork account is on hold.

the companies i applied for dont call me back.

the paypal games i had were scamming.

when will i get a fuckin break!!!!

i will love you forever dex gacad

 i have never been the same without you i will never be whole. i will forever feel horrible that i made mistakes and i lost you because of those. i love you so bad.

hello?

 does anyone read this blog? if so, please text me please. i need human connection. my dog farted ugh

this pandemic.//giving up?

 lately, i have been feeling really anxious about evrything especially my financial status. i have been trying to get a job and seemed like they lost interest on me like they dont call back or I'm left wondering if I got in or what. they seem to approve of me but why arent they calling back to tell when im going to start. thnk god for the help of some of my friends that i get by. but dude the online loans i have. i mean, they kept piling up coz i havent paid them  i mean how can i. i dont know where to get money. imagine that one night, i have to ride a cab just to go to banco de oro to withdraw but it was still on my paymaya so i have to transfer pa and then my phone died. imagine that i cant even pay the cab and have to run and ask for a hundred to a neighbor i barely know, (paid him the next day). i cant even say how rock bottom ive been. i have debt with trish, ivan, miss kaye, ruth, and god knows who pa but i am drowning. i am literally catchiing my breath everytime i think of it and receive a text from the threatening  online loan but im thankful im alive and well of course. its just that it was harder coz dex broke up with me again last july, and now is the perfect time that i needed someone by my side, then ryan and rae have this huge wall for me, roemart hates me, ivan and everyone hates me i know, i always have this lingering thought that everyone hates me, hence me being alone and anxious. this pandemic should end or it will just drive me crazy. birthday's coming up and i feel like a failure that no one wants. its just so hard to stand up again.

quarantine day 73

Ok so its general communit quarantine and we still dont have a transpo. even backriding is still illegal. theres no chance in hell that im going to get assistance, so im stuck literally.

it almost 12mn and im watching carrie. if i could just do this. ugh the things i would do.

still fixing my iphone. and using the old android phone. blech. bulok.