isang mahabahabang pasasalamat!!!

WOW! i am not sure if 100% of the people there enjoyed everything
that happened... but hey im DEFINITELY gonna be biased, coz im sure i
enjoyed everybody who went there in spite of the rain.

unahin ko ang mga tao who made it possible. THE HALERS. sobra. alam ko
medyo nabagot tayo sa human bingo pero sana may mga nakilala man lang
kayong co-halers nyo. di ko man lang nasabi na dapat printed name ang
ilalagay ARGH! kasi ichecheck nga pala.

sa Rob Galleria, Pony, Jansport, Levis, EMI and Smart... grabe.
umastig ang EB dahil sa mga papremyo. san ka ba naman dun! yung iba
nga lang dyan sa tabitabi tamad maghanap ng premyo at tumakbo. lol.
dami pa sanang games kaso kapos na sa oras. shempre 30 minutes late
nagpapasok kasi inayos pa yung lights. tsaka late si ako. grabe naman
kasi yung ulan hindi naman ba sha nagpapatawa nung lagay na yun.

Thank You kay Jindra and Chon sa letter. sa mga pinipilit akong
patabain lalo na si Candy at Cheezle, kay Maybelle tangkad sa sim
card, sa lahat ng nagpakilala, nakipagkaibigan... hindi nyo lang alam
kung paano nyo ako napasaya. kaya ayun... humyper ako sa stage kaya
kung anuano na ang nasasabi ko. Best in PAPRACK. nye. pero
seriously... approaching me and introducing yourselves means A LOT.
wordless. *hugs*

Sa bumubuo ng production (hindi ko na kayo iisaisahin maawa naman kayo
sa magbabasa nito)... S A L A M A T 1Million Times. Youve made it
lighter for each and everyone of us.

Kay Mamu, sa Hale, sa Exile, TO DJ LISA.... na sobrang tumawa lang
kami ng tumawa habang naghohost, at natutuyuan na ng laway... Grabe
ang galing nyo. Salamat salamat salamat. Understatement pa ang salamat
ko na yan at hindi ko na alam kung pano ieexpress.

Congratulations sa mga nakakuha ng awards that night, Chester, Malou,
Seven, Ayiek, at FAUST... silver pendant talaga yan. one of a kind. at
nakakatuwa kasi para kayong sinabitan ng medals. lol PONY lanyard pa.
hay congrats sobra. just keep it up. :)

Si Aloha nga pala at the girl from cebu... di na tayo nagkita. :(
makikipagkwentuhan pa naman sana ako.

Kay Ryan na galing pang Winnipeg Canada.

Sa mga taga batangas, baguio, bulacan, pampanga, laguna at sa kung san
san pang sulok ng pilipinas... grabe. *haaaaaaayyy* ewan ewan. ang
aastig nyo.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa kaya kong sabihin. basta sobrang masaya
ako at napaka-cooperative ng lahat lalo na nung tugtugan. nagtatatakbo
nako nun para lang mahawaan kayo ng energy. salamat sa lahat. sana
magkita kita tayo uli.

at sobra halers. sobrang mahal ko kayo. sobrang mahal ko ang hale
dahil kung wala sila, wala kayo.. wala. ayun wala lang. basta wala.

kitakits!!! lets all spread good vibes and love. yebah!

when you dont know how to hate the word OVER.

while i try to stare how the sky cries its heart out... all your
memories made my wholeself cold. and as if im like the sky who wanted
to dry my tears up. but i dont know how to anymore.



ive never ever wanted to let you go. there mightve been spaces between
us. we mightve taken time for granted a lil, but it never crossed my
mind that well be finally going on opposite paths. no matter how bad i
try to stop the word over to happen... it personifies in front of us.
suddenly, never is a promise that couldnt be broken. no matter how good
my rulebreaking talent is.



since when did "god knows how much i love you" became a cliche? seemed like
it just floated in front of you like a regular wisp of smoke you tried
to shoo away. ive never expected you having a bad judgment of
character. whats worse is you said you loved me wholeheartedly. but how
could you love me without knowing the meaning of it. and i just became
an instant cup of tea that you would sip in case you feel like having
something different. you said you love me. then its time for me to say
you didnt.



you made me look like a liar. oh... not just that. youve degraded my
whole self, my soul, my capabilities, my self esteem, my life. and my
capacity of loving a person. i dont call it my quarter-life crisis coz
i dont wanna get bitter like you. ive chosen you instead of the people
who tried to stop me from hurting myself. wrong move i know. and it
hurts so much that i cant defend you to myself. sounded like an
abhorring paradox... but yeah.. i became too numb of loving a person
that would suddenly be mr hyde. mr hyde that equalizes 15 minutes to my
asthmatic 12 hours. i know people wont get it but hey... im retarded
like youve said, so i wouldnt try to validate myself according to your
unsolicited ideals.



i still cant believe its over. i cant call it my longest nightmare... coz god knows how much i loved you. oh wait. its a cliche.

love kills

.. if you let love kill you. heres a story. (a part of my novel.. "kissing christian" hehehehe)

well.. sam has a girlfriend. he's bisexual and his girlfriend knows it. theres this one point of his life that he had a boyfriend named christian. it all started when they were friends, swapping comics, music videos and stuff. sam's a sweet guy and he's not the typical bisexual we know. he's a fan of love i must say. he says love is genderless, boundless... and i thought thats the lamest justification of trying to have a bigger target market of getting laid. well he proved me wrong.

after the breakup, christian tried of getting back together but sam's half-hearted to do that coz he wanna have the good old way of a normal life. sam broke up with his girl but he prefers to be alone for the meantime. god knows how sam love christian so bad but christian had this bad side that comes out.. verbally. he texted sam "MAMATAY KA NA." a lot of times when he gets angry... and he says he doesnt mean it. i mean... who the hell texts that a lot of times.

sam kinda backed off and tried to not communicate with christian. after 3 months... sam tried to call christian to patch things up. but just within the "friends only" level. they tried to promise that they will start from scratch and no past diggings please. so they hung out again but after three weeks...

christian said hes goin to sams house. wednesday 7am. so sam didnt sleep coz hes such a narcoleptic. you cant just wake him up by making his cellphone or landline ring.

sam texted.. "hey. hindi ako natulog para walang hassle. hehee" twas 650 am when he did that. but christian replied that he has an overtime so he might get a lil late. sam asked for a favor that maybe christian could pay for his internet bill for the meantime. so they were supposed to go the mall to do that. 830, and christian's still on the road, sam fell asleep, not noticing that his cellphones were out of battery.

920 am and sam woke up. worrying that chirstian might be already waiting at their front door. he turned on his celphone and got a 4 part message from christian.

"PUTANGINA ANG KAPAL TALAGA NG MUKHA MO. IKAW ANG PINAKATAMAD, IRESPONSABLE, SAKIM AT MANGGAGAMIT NA TAONG NAKILALA KO. ALAM MONG PAGOD AKO, GALING OPISINA, NAGOVERTIME, BUMYAHE, AT TUTULUGAN MO LANG AKO. HINDI NAKO NADALA SAYO. SANA HINDI KA MAGISING HAYUP KA. TANGINA MO TALAGA."

a night before, sam had fever and an asthma attack. after reading the message... he heard their gate slammed. so he ran downstairs, and tried shouting christian's name, while he was walking away. but he did not hear it. sam ran upstairs... got his pants on and tried to run for christian. he was about to ride the bus but he saw christian on his cellphone. maybe he was trying to reach sam again. when they saw each other... sam was panting... trying to catch his breath.

when they got in the house.. sam went upstairs but christian lit a cigarette and stayed on the sofa. sam lied down and texted him.. "hey im sorry. i know your angry. i waited for you the whole morning and i accidentally fell asleep." when got that. he went upstairs then just sat in front of the pc. "tara na magbayad na tayo".. said christian. "uhm... actually hindi na tayo magbabayad ngayon. my bills due til next month pa pala so i can take care of it na. i just wanted you to be here para sabay na tayo mamaya kasi sa QC rin ako papunta." the christian just blurted... "you understand why i texted you those things right?". sam did not answer. he just sat on the bed trying to not begin arguing.

"hey take some rest na and ill do some things pa para mamaya sa client. may meeting pa kami ng 8pm. kumain ka na ba?". christian did not answer. he sat on the bed... and asked him "you understand right?"

sam cried. "no i didnt. you promised youll stop texting me those things. how long have you been staying there outside?"
"15 minutes."
"you accumulated that max of an anger within 15 minutes???"
"NO. I ACCUMULATED THAT ALL THESE YEARS"
"what the hell is wrong with you. you promised that if you want us to hangout again... youll never be that kind of a person"
"AND YOU PROMISED YOULL BE RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO JUST OPEN YOUR DOOR. DONT YOU THINK IM NOT EMBARASSED BY YOUR NEIGHBORS STARING AT ME"
"YOURE EMBARASSED COZ YOU WERE STAYING IN THE FRONT DOOR FOR 15 MINUTES? YOU THINK WHEN I WENT OUT WEARING PAJAMAS THEN RAN AFTER YOU WAS JUST NOTHING FOR ME??? THIS IS MY HOUSE. AND THEY ARE MY NEIGHBORS. IF YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT EMBARASSMENTS... YOU MIGHT TRY TO THINK A LOT MORE BETTER THAN THAT ONE"
"TANGINA GINAGAMIT MO LANG AKO. ILANG TAON NA. IKAW NA NGA TONG MAY PABOR IKAW PATONG MAKAPAL ANG MUKHA MAGGAGANYAN"
"I SAID SORRY! A LOT OF TIMES. WHAT ELSE DO U WANT ME TO DO???? I DONT NEED TO ASK THAT FAVOR ANYMORE AND WHY ARE YOU STILL BLOWING IT TO MY FACE??"

sam cried so hard. then a few minutes later... he was trying to catch his breath. his asthma became worse.. then suddenly he had a heartburn. he tried to calm down but the pain was getting worse. he clutched his heart then he squirmed. all of a sudden,,, sam didnt move. christian said he turned blue then stopped breathing. minutes later... he woke up.. with the same pain and gasped for air. tried to breathe but he was still in blinding pain. christian wasnt there when he tried to stand up and get his inhaler. he was thinking of going to the hospital himself so he tried to go downstairs. then his heart contracted again and he was about to fall on the stairs but luckily, christian caught him. he went outside to look for some help. sam started coughing and started to throw up. it got worse. sam couldnt breathe at all. when he went to the restroom he threw up green stuff, stomach acids i guess.. and felt a lil better after that. he was crying and thought of all the things he might leave. he thought he was about to die. "ayoko pang mamatay... ayoko pang mamatay.. fuck... hindi pwede ngayon..."

their neighbors' mom came in and tried to make him feel relaxed. she got a face towel and cold water coz sam was burning hot. he was okay after an hour. then he went to the hospital the morning after, with his sister. because of that all of his family knew about the real score with sam and christian. and theyre a lil furious about it.

and sam's friends.

(to be continued..)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

on a personal note... sam didnt defend himself. coz he thought that christian might say sorry after saying those things. he wasnt expecting that it was much of a false hope. christian felt so good about it actually.

OA.

sa tuwing nakikita kita... para akong pinupunit. ilang ulit nababasag. pagod nakong magkunwaring kaibigan mo. at hindi ko na alam kung paano lulugar sa tuwing magpapanggap akong masaya pag kausap ka. dahil gustuhin ko mang meron tayong patunguhan... hindi mapapahintulot ng panahon. ayokong mapagod. pero ayoko na ring masaktan.

pagal na ang puso ko sa mabibilis na tibok sa bawat ngiting maaabutan ko. at sa tuwing nagpapaalam ka, dalawin ng antok, bigla tong titigil. pigil na pigil para pigilan ka. dahil gusto ko pa ring makita kang natatawa. pero dumaan na ang mga araw... nagsasawa na ako sa sarili ko. malamang ikaw rin. gustuhin ko mang maglabas ng lungkot... hindi kakayaning lumabas ng mga salita. dahil alam ko... na kaya mo ako hinahanap dahil gusto mong matawa. at yun lang ang maaari mong dahilan. bakit ko ba to maiisip? ah dahil pag nagtanong ako... hindi ka uli sasagot. sasabihin mong alam ko na yon. pero alam mo.... hindi e. hindi ko talaga alam.

nangako akong nandito ako habangbuhay, pero putangina lang... hindi ko na talaga kaya. malamang humihinga pa rin ako pag wala ka na... pero hindi ko makita ang sarili kong wala ka. at hindi ko na talaga alam kung paano pa ako maghihintay. hindi ako makagalaw. at nakakatawa mang aminin... nakakaawa rin pala akong tingnan. tangina. naaawa sa sarili. anong klase yon? pang tanga lang yun e. kasi lumaki akong may solusyon ang mga bagay. at kung marunong akong maawa... e di isalba ko kaya ang sarili ko. kaso... kailangan kong bumitaw. at ayoko namang gawin yun. putangina tanga. tanga talaga.

pagod lang siguro ako. limang oras kaya akong naglaba. puta.

happy birthday pa.

its my dads birthday. and its the first time that ive seen myself whole heartedly praying the rosary with all my sisters' kids, my uncle, gabby and che. i know he's somehow smiling that all his grandchildren misses him. gabby asked.. "mama... di ba kasama na ni god si lolo? bakit may birthday pa sha? may cake ba sa heaven..?" che and me just looked at each other... me stopping myself to be oh-so-frigginly-mushy while cheche trying to say yes. i miss mom too. well shes somewhere in cebu now.

since im beginning this entry dramatically, (which i cant stop since this is my lj and the hell i care), i really miss everybody now. i feel so empty. i wanted to let go of this kind of lifestyle and try to be a 9-hour fulltime office worker. ill get a car, try to have my own house, and start all over again. too bad ill miss the gig life, chatting, and some non-productive things that ate my quarter life. and all the friends i gained during those fun times.

about my relationships... i dunno. everything is really not working out. maybe im always the wrong person. im such a quitter. and i cant believe i could afford to be a perfectionist. one wrong answer.. BAM!... i doubt. yet... i try not to be such a fuckin idealist. argh i hate myself.

i just needed to be alone again. i mean from everything. start from scratch, evaluate everything, workout, quit smoking, have some focus, and dream again.

demmit.

ok. babawan na natin. nappsychohan nako sa sarili ko. dianne, whey, josh, marv and teena cleaned up my room again. changed the sheets of my bed, my curtain and my closet. they got some old clothes that i have to let go since i was kinda thin then. and now it fits josh. hahaha. and after that, my sister, uncle, che, gabby and the kids came over to have some dinner then prayed. at eto ako ngayon naglalaba, nabbwisit sa ulan dahil alam kong matagl to matutuyo. ayoko talagang magpa laundry. natatakot ako. basta ayoko. tsaka sayang pera. mas magaling pakong magwashing machine sa kanila. bat bako di matutong magkusot. oras pang masira nila favorite shirts ko kahit gutay gutay na... galit na galit talaga ako. basta ayoko. hmf.

ayus naman sa itinerary ko bukas. *sigh*

2pm: rob galleria, meeting with the head for our event on the 23rd.
4pm: rob ermita with imago
6pm: st scholastica with imago
8pm: greenbelt with kitt, and abhie
10pm: malate pero sila pa rin.

bat kailangang ibuhos lahat yun ng isang araw.

my condolensces to chill nga pala, her mom passed away. :(

sige laba muna ako. baka mag-chat na naman ako wala akong mapala.

(edited july 14 1245pm)

got this from :

Does your name begin with: X

You need constant stimulation because you get bored quickly. You can handle more than 1 relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You can do 2 things at once. You are very talented.

********************

DECEMBER

Loyal and generous
Patriotic
Active in games and interactions
Impatient and hasty
Ambitious
Influential in organizations
Loves to socialize
Loves praises
Loves attention
Loves to be loved
Honest and trustworthy
Not pretending
Short tempered and egoistic
Takes high pride in oneself
Hates restrictions
Loves to joke
Good sense of humor
Logical
********************


wow. O_o kakasabi ko lang.

xave... bat di ka na nage-lj?

uhmm... kasi wala akong ma-lj. :p

actually, weve been busy answering text messages and emailing poeple back about having the reservations for the halers' second gathering. and quite a lot of kids cant understand my email. weirdly, because its the simplest process to just get their slots. and aside from jogging everyday... ive stopped jogging a week ago coz abhie just went home and we meet up every night. my uncle also came home from uhh... i dunno where.

last friday, july 07, anna and i had a schedule sa sm north pero nagkalabulabo kasi urbandub dapat ang tutugtog dun. sa entertainment plaza ang meet up pero ang nangyari si mark herras ang nandun so wala na lang akong nagawa kundi kumain ng siomai sa henlin at maghintay. hanggang sa napagdesisyunan namin na sa labas na lang dahil andaming sumisigaw na high school students at andaming tao. so magkikita pa kami nina mamu sa tomas morato and 730pm eh may dinner kami coz we had a reunion ng ex officemates ko.

830pm na kami nakarating ni rico sa greenbelt. and i had the two biggest porkchop in the land sa ebun.. had tequila sunrise, mango with vodka and margarita sa penguin so shempre.. di nako na-jog dahil ang OA namang magjog pag lasing. so i thought... fck... i think these porkchops are 2 months worth of 4 laps and 5 sets of situps. gusto ko ng pumayat para namang awa. abhie, nick, kitt, jai, rico, martin, fran, pau and i had dinner pero umalis ang mga other halves nila nung papunta na ng penguin.

then we had a family dinner coz dumating nga yung uncle ko ng saturday. una, nagalmusal ako ng sandamakmak na corned beef dahil akala ko di nako kakain ng gabi. di ako kumain sa family dinner namin eh birthday pala ni tricia nung 6 (what a bestfriend.. nalimutan kong magtext. *kills self*) tapos ngayon yung celebration so ang pisngi ko ay muling pinalaki ng nachos, grilled chicken at siomai. vodka, apple juice and sprite, plus 4 bottles of san mig light just brushed off sa system ko na.. hey i thought u were so conscious about gaining "things" again. what a freak. hindi ako pwedeng maging KJ doon dahil baka patayin ako ni tricia. andun din si paul "the fly", angel, paolo, melanie rey, and the cousins, nico and kuya carlo. na nagtrip lang tumugtog hanggang sa magusap usap kung ano ang laman ng ipod namin. at shempre ibinida ko na meron akong don romantiko.

nadaig ako ng "just a spoonful of sugar" ni paul. at ng di nako aasa pang muli ng introvoys. na muli kong tinapatan ng paraiso ng smokey mountain. pero talo talaga ako sa 9000 songs nya. pffft. akala ko pa naman marami na yung akin shet.

how narci. nakatingin ako sa salamin dahil alam kong wala nakong ipinayat. isa na akong narcissistic na chipmunk. punyeta.

ay ay. and "crash" made me cry. dont worry daddy... ill protect you... gawd... the slo-mo scene haunts me. wala lang. at least masabi ko lang na nakakanood pa naman ako ng dvds.

phew.

i just wanna hug my bed. the stress with the so-called rehearsal ng band namin... (which kinda sucked last night but we had fun coz kulang talaga sa praktis lol) and all the pressure sa lahat ng mga upcoming events. one down for this month. :)

The Back to School was .. wow. cambio, spongecola, hilera and hale all in one room. we never expected that mayrics could accommodate a lot of people. at hindi na mainit huh. :) weve got a post from yael agad and he was really fun to talk to.
------------------------------------------------------------
From: "yaelyraz"
Date: Fri Jun 30, 2006 1:35 pm
Subject: thanks!

I'd like to thank you guys for that insanely fun gig
over at mayric's. Thanks for the support. Once again, Xavier, Anna and
the boys of Hale, maraming salamat for inviting us. had a blast, good
vibes over there, people were very accommodating. :)
-------------------------------------------------------------
funny thing... when he was upheld by those girls that wanted to take pics with him...

yael: *shouting* xave! xave! xave!
me: hey...
yael: *whispers* 26 ka na pala?
me: O_o er.. uh.. why.. uh.. wha.. how did you know?
yael: i mean.. u look 21.

i love you yael. lol apparently, he asked anna about it pero its so weird. lol i just feel weirded out. i could say that hes really nice. i also told him when i first watched them in tapika and thats where he was wearing a yellow brazil jersey, and that was what... 5 years ago? geez. we talked about "gemini" and he told me the story behind the song. coz weirdly... after waking up.. i turn on my itunes and gemini lang ang tugtog at broken sonnet. paulit ulit. if our dad lsitens to beatles or elvis songs and green green grass of hope so often, it wants you to puke your eardrums out... i think pagtanda ko.. gemini, broken sonnet, alay at mariposa ang ultimate classic ko.


fuck i need to jog more. i hate my cheeks. sayang wala si chris of hilera and kris of cambio. para lahat ng vocalist. NAKNGTUTSA FEELING HAHAHAHA.

then erika and i talked, oh i miss her so much, twas like a lot of things, from seashores to frogs. lol erika.... we should go out!!!!!!! then champ called up. new born guy. hehehehe.

so now abhie and i are planning to have dinner. tapos diretso sa mall of asia after makati.

fuck i just had a clubhouse sandwich and seafood cup noodles. wtf is that. i had tortang talong last night and lechon kawali from kalye juan with the bluesky prod pipowl. (there i was a minute ago complaining about my cheeks) and thats courtesy of . *kisses* i miss lea, cecil, anna, dea and mamu agad. parang gusto ko pa silang daldalan kaso alas kuwatro na ng umaga lol.

3 days ago and my cheeks werent that puffy. pfft. but hey. at least i looked 21. lol