Catharsis.

Its almost 5 am and i have a lot of words brewing inside my raging brain. My heart is so shattered I cant feel anymore. I guess this fight will be a john wick one. A one-man army. I dont trust anyone to understand what I feel anymore. I lost a bestfriend who has supported me all the way because Im too sad. I was even compared to the leech of a person that he had unrequited love with. I think I stopped talking to him after hearing those words because I never thought there will come a time that he will stop understanding the pain Im having. The clusterfuck of shit that I go through. It was cathartic to sabotage myself on social media being petty and all but then I also stopped trusting the people I am connected with.

I really guess we all die alone huh. And no one can save us but ourselves. Im just waiting for the right time where I will feel needed again and all they will hear is No. This superman complex has left earth and I will be the ego-maniac you dont wanna be around with. Its just that I have to start living comfortably with my own skin. I was too sad to move. So i guess the only way back is to turn around.  And forget everyone existed. I will return the favors I had to survive and just move along without anyone except for my family. being happy and successful is really the brightest middle finger they will see.

May sound sad but a solid plan though. God I am so mad right now. I cant let this shit people ruin me using my own mind. I will be awesome like I ever was. Because I am born to be awesome and we have seen him before. This was just a phase after losing my mom. And my favorite dog. I just have to really stand up soon and relearn all the selfish things Ive done. I will not care for anyone Im sorry.

On backstabs.

At this day in age sometimes, all we think is life survival. Bills, work and what life has brought us. Friends come and go, relationships may work but one things for sure, there will be people you might  consider your friend and the next thing you know, youre out of blood due to the wounds on your back you'll never imagine you'll have. I am a very trusting person and I easily get attached. I also find myself investing a lot of emotional support when things go rough. But this recent relationship I had, got ruined by the people I trusted. Fueled a jealousy that may had a basis but way too over, instead of fixing it, theyd rather make me as a gaslighter. That instead of talking to us, we were like kids playing tug of war, whose side in on whose, instead of handling it like adults. There is one person I considered close because when he had a breakup with his bf, I let them fight in our house, get drunk and cleaned up their vomit, I was also on his side when he started to lose friends. I know im kinda stubbon on private shit, I read stuff, my fault to browse my hubbys phone and read the conversations that lead my heart to get broken into pieces. I felt like i also lost my friends in real life already and I have to deal with this on my own. I was shattered. And because of the things they feed him, he got to a judgment that hurt me, another person that got involved (well, for being a fucking whore trying to snake his way to my hubs) making it look like its a clean thing to do. without considering what we feel after breaking up. That breakup was for a good cause. I felt like I was the bigger person for letting him go until people started to get involved being the devils advocate. I mean they could have reasons to hate me, but at least dont step inside my house, right? These judases are out of control. Now I have to just swallow the rage and live like i never care. As long as were together. Hope this is the right thing to do. Im praying for our love. And for their souls.

shitposting.

after so many years, heartbreak must be my motivation on blogging. since ive been shitposting on social media, the least chance that i am bothering anyone is through my blog. gotta stay out of any messaging platfroms coz i now realized that i am really fucking pathetic begging for answers i know im not really going to get.

so i was so in love with an asshole for 2 years. i mean hes way younger than me so i let his insensitivity slide. looking to other guys, thirst trapping, and then i thought of mindfucking him by telling stories, and also messaging other guys so i guess that psych strategy didnt work out. instead, he used his father's death to breakup. but then seeing him sleep around hurts me coz in the back of my head, i always hope that we will be back together. no matter what he did during the breakup days, i was ready to accept him anytime he wants. until my friends hated him because of what they witness thats happening to me. i lost the energy i once had, that i have this aura of wanting to be alone. i hate it that every single thing reminds me of him. i thought i could accept it but i am just okay to hating him. i think hes deliberately hurting me making me see those facebook comments, tagged photos and shit, whoring around showing off that hes so fuckable, he doesnt care about HIV.

and i cant believe my masochistic pathetic self for chaasing him everytime theres a chance, because hes so boring and lacks a lot of diskarte in life pushed him to chase his dreams and supported him on all his decisions, carrying the relationship alone, man, i cant even think of a time when he initiated to eat out or watch a movie. i even made him aware of what pop culture is. i mean i gave him the cool o he could be more confident of himself. and what i get is this shit.

now i feel better. thank you internet. ill go back to watching netflix. i was just triggered folding his garbage of underwears. i just wnna throw all of those out.