It Consumes Like Fire.

it has been the longest days of my life and no matter how i distract myself by having fun... i always end up sleepless in front of my pc, trying to filter out what to type just to suck out the bore in telling everything.

i have been so angry lately. really really angry. with the people who thought they had the right to do terrible things to their family, partners and friends. kudos to the rolled-in-one species.

we all know that in every aspect of our action, right or wrong, theres always a reason behind it. but having reasons do not mean things are justified. we have the right to be angry, but we dont have the right to hurt anyone. especially if we have our murky judgments hanging out of our sleeves. i myself is aware of my faults that i might have been overlooking the past few years, taking things for granted, but i think, personally, the easiest way to wake up a person who's forgetting things, is to grab his attention. a calm tap on the shoulder, thrice, then tell the person, hey im here. talk. listen. converse. and thats what we call in our world, communication.

i believed, (take note of the past tense, ey) that patience should compensate love, sacrifices should compensate faith and compromises should compensate relationships. and i just realized that when you have all this principles to yourself, ignorant people could just do their faults and say sorry about it, (im using the overused word "sorry") then as a person who has absorbed these things should just forgive. unfair. but we all know that life is not fair. or should i go beyond my crisis and check it again.

the last time i checked, it really isnt.

and when you live in a dog eat dog world, how could the submissive you just let life pass you by then believe that there is something worthy waiting for us on the edge of it. like heaven for instance. are we really that willing to take a risk, to not protect ourselves with defenses that could hurt another person?

as a matter of fact, there is really no gold at the end of the rainbow. coz if we try to be 80% good just to fit in the gates of heaven, then make your life as miserable as hell, i think we should also have the journey to get that gold first.

i am running out of faith in everything. and maybe in some way, i really still do believe that there wouldnt be any compassion if there is no suffering. but compassion is just the juice out of the big fruit of suffering. it may be refreshing, but i dont think it would be enough to take away the pain.

now the question is... am i aware that i am consumed by anger? yes. and as much as i wanted to deny that i am bitter right now, im so sorry but i am. i will let anger consume me like fire, burn me into ashes, then i will still have the hope to rise again.

Shempre Sufries!

3 days to go and it's Anna's Birthday  so we planned a lil surprise party at Max's Tiendesitas. Kanina, 5pm, nagkasalubong kami nina Anna, Mamu, Ayen at Champ nung kasama ko si JM papuntang Maxs eh walang idea si Anna na may surprise kami (shempre surprise nga e) tapos sumigaw sha ng malakas nung nasa malayo sha tinatawag ako. ako nagulat pero di lumingon sa isip isip ko ta***na mabubuko kami ni anna eh may dala pakong paper bag na gift ko sa kanya. nagkaroon pa tuloy kami nina champ ng biglaang script.

anna: XAAAAAAAAAAVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
xavier: (wag kang lilingon wag kang lilingon)
mamu: anong ginagawa mo rito?
xavier: wala namimili lang... *kunwari shocked* putek ang weird bat andito kayo?
anna: HUY BAT DI KA NAMAMANSIN?!
xavier: (wag kang sasagot wag kang sasagot) *lingon kay champ* uy di ba may tugtog kayo later... anong ginagawa mo rito?
champ: naghahanap lang ako ng something tapos nagulat ako andito sina mamu. ikaw anong ginagawa mo rito?
xavier: namamasyal nga lang... putek tsong ang weird talaga? pati kayo nagkita lang rito? small world amp.
mamu: punta kaming maxs may childrens party. ayan may dala ka pang regalo hahaha. tara?
xavier: *super defensive* huy hindi ah. namili lang ako mukha ba tong pangregalo? um... maglilibot pa kami naghahanap kami ng...
JM: ... kama...
xavier: ...lava lamp. (tingin kay JM habang iniisip na BAT TAYO DITO MAGHAHANAP NG KAMA?).. sige mamu text text na lang sabay na tayo mamaya sa gig
champ: sira sumama ka na samin saka na yang shopping shopping na yan
xavier: nakakahiya namang magcrash makikikain lang ako *may hilahan pang naganap*

pagdating sa maxs...

SUFRIES!!!

tapos naka birthday hats na sina shel, kristina, jeymieh, honnoh, tookney, celest, bunchu, cecil, don, seven, and leeza tapos ayun nagcamwhore na pagkatapos kumain at ibulsa ni jamie ang mga caramel bars kahit nakatatlo pa rin ako hahaha. seven nasira mo yung mic hala! LOL

went around the pet village with don and JM, DAMN!!! i am really DYING to have a beagle. kailangan sa July meron na talaga. i was supposed to go to fete pero maraming nagsabi na total hassle daw tapos umulan pa. so i texted abhie and told her that im really not in the mood to go to malate na kasi nga umuulan pa. so JM and I went to eastwood with them to watch Fantastic Four na tinulugan ko lang kasi napanood ko na nga tapos naghilik pako HAHAHAHAHAHA sabi ni leeza tsaka seven. shet. nagising naman ako the final 20 minutes of the movie.

tapos tumambay sa xocolat kahit sa starbucks kami bumili kaya nasungitan yata si ayen habang nagcacamwhore uli kami sa stairs so intay intay na lang muna kami sa mga uploaders. ^_^

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA! may inuman pa tayo sa tuesday! *do the chickee dance*

speaking of... tangina ni chickee boy patay sha sakin tagpas palong nya tado sha.

Triangle.

Choices. A fact of life where everything could be black or white. good or bad. right or wrong. and the antagonist of it is impulse. I am known for being impulsive just to end a whole afternoon wondering or a month even. sometimes its not my emotions that control my impulses. its my weary mind. nakakapagod mamili. nakakapagod magisip. nagtataka nga ako, kung lahat ng dapat nating gawin ay mabuti, e di magiging masama.

ive actually pondered that if you want to end the suffering, then take a risk to decide. yun nga lang pag nagdecide ka... dapat maisip mo na pwedeng palalain ang suffering nung desisyon. yung tipong... okay... madaling magpatawad, at pwede mong maisip na pwedeng ibalik agad lahat sa dati... pero maibabalik nga ba? or yung tipong pag may nagkamali, bingo agad. does it realy deserve the phrase "second chance" kung hindi naman talaga buo yung chance na binibigay? o ganun lang talaga kakonti ang chance?

i also dont know how to let go of the obsession of checking things up. if somebodys still ym-ing, swapping text messages, leaving friendster comments, checking pictures... and still, everyday, i get to read about it. i get to see things about what they feel or react on some updates about her. and it still hurts me. i cant even stop myself, i feel like im totally deluded.

Persuasion. its either im persuaded to just forget things or to understand that its nothing. its something. its not that easy to forget either. and everytime im alone... here i am talking about it. persuaded that im loved by using BIG LINES like..

"mas lalo kong nalaman na para ka sakin. na ikaw lang ang taong kaya kong mahalin ng ganito. pinagdadasal ko lang na sana... ako yung para sayo. na kahit hindi ko pa sigurado, tinatanggap ko, na hindi. pero gabi gabi kong iniiyak na masabi mo uli lahat sakin yun. na para ako sa yo."

Akala ng lahat, mas maraming choices, mas masaya. Parang grocery lang. Tipong if youre on the right lane, and witness the product competition, you get to pick what fits your needs. na akala ng lahat, nakakataba ng ego yon. na nakakaup ng self-esteem. kaya nga naiisip ko na rin, bakit yung iba, kayang bumitaw lang ng basta basta? bakit ako, umaasa sa bagay na hindi ko naman dapat asahan? na nasabi ko ng hindi ako babalik, pero eto ako nagiisip. tangang nagpupuyat para magisip.


motherucking shit i am so lost.

Fine. I Give Up. Im Making A New Friendster Account.

Damn. Since I deleted my Friendster Account, there has never been a day that i wasnt asked about it. As much as i wanted to be firm about my decision... yes tricia, i am now convinced that its a necessity.

And Yes, its where people check if youre still alive and No, Aris, I am serious that I dont have any problems. God.

add me up if you still want to:

xavierxvi@gmail.com

I'm It.

tagged by Iza:

pressure nga hahaha. and i cant think of anything right now so ill repost those 6 weird things about me. lol

Instructions: Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1. i am Agoraphobic. i really dont like public places whenever im alone. people may think that im exposed in crowds but seriously, im having troubles with riding a jeepney. it has been 3 or 4 years since i rode a jeepney to somewhere a bit far like sm north edsa. i really hate big crowds. i love the mall but whenever im not with anyone, i feel like im having troubles breathing. i cant even walk outside our door without my iPod if i know ill be going out alone. im scared hearing all the people around me.

2. i am never an addict. to anything. i could indulge for a week, a month but i easily detach to a thing that i crave for a long time. then not want it again.

3. my mind keeps on thinking random things. problems, people, things i want to buy, winning the lottery kahit hindi ako tumataya, what to download, funny situations, fights and a lot more.

4. i dont like bringing umbrellas. kahit sobrang lakas ng ulan, ayokong nagdadala ng payong. pero nawalan ako ng choice nung nagkagirlfriend ako. lalo na siguro ngayon dahil kay gabby.

5. i am frigginly sentimental. whenever somebody gives me a thing or opens up a door for me, my heart melts as if its butter in an oven. then i usually take note of it and try to figure out on how to pay it back.

6. im weirdly a kid at heart. im a crybaby. and i love toys. i also have tantrums.

7. i hate bullies and manipulative bfs/gfs. BIG TIME. im a psycho bitch when i see a friend being bullied/manipulated. for me, its like telling the world that they could make fun out of your weakness because theyre cooler or smarter. which is actually pathetic and insecure. especially when they pretend to be concerned then deliver it in a demotivating way... so they could also prove that they are better persons. ugh.

tagging: hilawnatabs, enki18, april05, ironflower, wawawerz, leezadif, eplc ^_^

swirl.

since friday, everything has been so shaky, i literally wanted to go to church and pray to make everything okay.

i know theres nothing wrong about realizations and feeling so regretful, but from the hurt person's point of view, its all covered up with guilt when you could be able to forgive but cant make everything happen again like how it was.

when people say "you wont know what youve got til its gone", and then if you were the subject theyve been talking about, how would you actually make it alright for them, especially if youre not LITERALLY gone. like staying in their lives as a friend.

ang manhid ko na lang talaga. na tipong kahit alugin ang mundo ko ng mga pagbabalik, parang... wala na e. pano yun sa kanila? ayoko namang magcompromise uli tapos ako na naman yung masasaktan.

isa pa pala, my sister and her family will be living with me in my room for 2 weeks. ansaya kasi kasya pala kami. they were supposed to move in paranaque pero god, long story kung bat di natuloy so dito na lang din uli sila samin malapit. hooray. so kanina nagmistula akong ama't ina ng apat na bata. naghanda ng hapunan at lahat lahat. ang gulo. pero putsa ang saya.

ilang araw din akong di nakatulog. puro halos idlip lang pinakamatagal na tulog ko e apat na oras. last na yung show sa breakfast kanina na tanghali na kami nakauwi at nakatulog. nahihilo pa rin ako sa antok hanggang ngayon.

pero masaya. yun naman ang importante e. yung magsaya. ^_^

Happy Birthday Erika!!!

Sorry i had to go so early coz i was REALLY nauseous and yeah i think i was drunk. one thing ive realized though

a beer + 3 shots of cuervo + 2 kurant with sprite + 2 tequila rose + 3 baileys = hyperacidity.

i hope you enjoyed your day!!! i love you BFF! pictures ha!

Capones and the Playground.

i really didnt want to go out. and yeah anna, again, i owe it to you.

went to capones and the house was full with surprises. hales going to play and they played like a lot of cover songs and four originals. i was with JM, Cadz and Ryan. i actually planned on dropping by since Ivan, Pao and Abhie were near the area, but then again, i had 6 bottles of beer. so we stayed in capones until um... 2 am i guess then went to the salcedo playground. oi leeza, denden was there too. HAHAHAHA.

it was fun swinging and slidin and goofin around. IN MAKATI AT 4AM. i am such a retard. then i had bubblegum float, fake chicken and apple pie.

i am drunk and happy and full.

Deleting.

ive finally decided to have my own first day.

this will be the first day where i will be friendster-less, podcast-less, livejournal-less, and blogger-less. it has attached so much memories and i really have to start cleaning up.

thanks for the memories.

i still have multiply though. its love, i cant afford to delete it. :)

Mamu, Anna, Hannah, Bunchu, Tookney, Celest, Don, Leeza, Shel and Seven

i really feel like i should dedicate a post for you. i really should.

Last June 11 was one of the most memorable experiences ive had. especially when i brought gabby with us. she had that kind of smile sa cab when we went home. and my happiness was overflowing i didnt know how to start thanking each and every one of you.

it was actually the first time that i brought gabby out with friends. and that experience was so overwhelming. sobrang pag tinitingnan ko yung pics natin i felt very whole. sobrang complete. talagang family.

and if i could give each and everyone of you a piece of my heart... i will. sobrang saya ko. as in sobra. at kaya ko tinatype ng paulit ulit kasi kulang talaga yung word para idescribe ang nararamdaman ko. hanggang ngayon.

sobrang mahal na mahal ko kayo. thanks for always picking me up when im down. i love you guys. <3

it used to be you.

the day is already starting and my sleepless swollen eyes just kept staring on the cobwebs near the corner of my door and the ceiling. i have been trying so hard to have my life back. i have been trying to just block all the images my head creates. and im so tired of being alone in a lot of things, the least that you could do is let me go. and let me heal my wounds rather than stick your finger up to it, for me to feel that im letting you hurt me because of the mere fact that i still love you.

i know i do. they even know i still do. one thing you should know though, is its too late. too late for my mind to process and ctrl+alt+del things.

we used to watch tv series in my pc. i used to cook food for you. we used to joke around in my bedroom and tickle each other til we cant breathe, i used to just wear my hair without any product on it, i used to crack punchlines that you die of laughing, i used to sneak out my room to have a stick of cigarette, we used to buy junk food while playing songs, you used to watch me play my violin or the guitar, i used to wake up beside you, we used to do things together...

before you pushed me away, i used to love a person so bad, that i basically knew that i cant live without that person...

and that person used to be you.

if you are that broken, if you are that lost, if you are that empty, if you are that frustrated, if you are that sad, if you are that void, if you are that desperate, if you are that in need of me... then why just now? why now where im so ready to face life alone with all my ammunition?

why just now where im used to the fact that were not meant for each other?

the yearn to learn.

every matter consists of a balance. every creation has its advantages and disadvantages. ive thought before that open-mindedness or being uninhibited was set apart from things that need balance. then again.

freedom is a very big word to handle. and freedom itself is a big thing to have. from the angry-rebels-without-a-cause teens to the patriotics, its one phase a person never misses from the path to knowing himself fully.

even the people who doesnt really need freedom thinks that they want it. its like being stranded on an island for quite some time, having that urge to go back where you think is your home, but after surviving like that, you might still want to go back to that island. even if thats where you suffered, hungered, gasped and wandered. why is this.

do we really need to suffer to feel or appreciate compassion? do we really need to thank pain to just know we're still alive? do we really hear or see things as it may seem? and as a person who lived being such a masochist, i could say yes. but how about you? do you really want to suffer and dwell in pain just to realize things and see the worth of losses?

we all complain about that invisible authoritative hand placing us on such a wrong spot everytime we dont expect it. its like destiny playing monopoly and we are its token. we could go to jail, might get boardwalk, or play with chance. we complain of not having the perfect plan in our mind working in our very eyes. since we all have different perspectives and fates, things will definitely not go our way especially if we need other people for our plans to work. which makes it more complex and a little less exciting. and then we ask for freedom to everything. from the attachments to the people within our circle or to destiny itself. and as to the golden rule, are we just insensitive of things we do wrongly before it comes around not noticing that we really deserve it?

what comes around goes around? really?

and as to a person who knows by heart whats right and wrong... how do you really sort it out? there goes being uninhibited. scratching off the word prejudgment. knowing all circumstances, all possibilties, reasons, wow... a lot of things actually. but do we really seriously need to have our minds open until our brains fall off the ground? as to acceptance, how do we really learn that word appropriately? how do we teach ourselves to just open-heartedly accept the fact, that we deserve wrong things especially if we always think twice just to have that perfect decision?

we decide not for our decisions to be right, we decide if the decision we do is not worth regretting, so we could breathe a little if things dont happen the way we want it to.

if no man is an island, then we definitely not want freedom. we always hunger for the suppresants, the chains, and the big iron ball just for our heads to not bump the ceiling because freedom makes us so giddy, we tend to jump way off the charts.

we all want the attachment. the drama. because if life is too short, we would be really tired of waiting and waiting our whole lives. even if we say that a certain person is worth waiting for. but thats plain stupid. its a thanatophobic's suicide. so logically, we attach so we could ask for freedom. and that vicious drama cycle goes on.

the thing we tend to OFTEN forget is our list of rational resolutions. not jumping on to obvious conclusions, going on extreme ends, then let half of our brain rot itself. because everything has its middle and not concluded using two colors. white is not a color. even black. because white consists of colors and black consists of nothing. so why dont we see the colors first, ya?

if we learn the art of complexity, we do not solve it, we just understand it more, but not fully, for the most intelligent being or the most saintly still cannot define the meaning of life. and if life consists of matters, matter consists of balance, balance consists of black and white, and white consists of colors... there would be an endless trail of question marks.

Not all the questions have an absolute answer. but asking it doesnt mean it's answerless. its as trivial as the yearning for the synonym of the word synonym.

if everybody's weird... then nobody is weird.

tagged by: celestislove  (wow this took me a long time to answer)

Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. i am Agoraphobic. i really dont like public places whenever im alone. people may think that im exposed in crowds but seriously, im having troubles with riding a jeepney. it has been 3 or 4 years since i rode a jeepney to somewhere a bit far like sm north edsa. i really hate big crowds. i love the mall but whenever im not with anyone, i feel like im having troubles breathing. i cant even walk outside our door without my iPod if i know ill be going out alone. im scared hearing all the people around me.

2. i am never an addict. to anything. i could indulge for a week, a month but i easily detach to a thing that i crave for a long time. then not want it again.

3. my mind keeps on thinking random things. problems, people, things i want to buy, winning the lottery kahit hindi ako tumataya, what to download, funny situations, fights and a lot more.

4. i dont like bringing umbrellas. kahit sobrang lakas ng ulan, ayokong nagdadala ng payong. pero nawalan ako ng choice nung nagkagirlfriend ako. lalo na siguro ngayon dahil kay gabby.

5. i am frigginly sentimental. whenever somebody gives me a thing or opens up a door for me, my heart melts as if its butter in an oven. then i usually take note of it and try to figure out on how to pay it back.

6. im weirdly a kid at heart. im a crybaby. and i love toys. i also have tantrums.

tagging: smilejansen, dorina12, moonchildgoddess, ceresn, detin12, seven

Random activities part2

er... i havent posted recent pictures of our get-togethers, and last thursday, JM and I bought this BIG white board so i could take note of all my gimmicks. supposedly bibilhin ko na yung shelves pero gusto ko kasi buo na e.

the whole week has been sooooo great.

kanina, JM, TRISH, PAO, ABHIE, IVAN AND I watched Pirates of the Carribean 3 then met up with ONA and RICO at Cyma to have some dinner. tapos uminom sa Cena with Paul and his friend. shet reunion din. too bad wala si yesh and iza.

last thrusday night, after having dinner at mexicali MOA, i bought two sets of Ice Breaker then tried it with the zhyper gang. unbelieveably, everybody was answering what they really think about. bonding tapos nag foodtrip hanggang 5am.

no wonder ganito ako kalusog. ugh.

dinner with HALE family tomorrow at MOA uli, tapos sana makahabol sa Saguijo for The Ronnies. nasa guest list ako kaya nakakahiya naman kung di ako makakanood. tsaka i really want to hear and experience ENE's performance.

My auntie called yesterday at around 7am, and we talked about what course should i get the next term. hindi na ako mag-MMA, so my 5th course will be Psychology and this time, tatapusin ko na.

they want me to be a lawyer. why not. magaling naman ako magrason. lol

Random activities.

went to MOA yesterday. just had dinner and some dessert. timezone bitin. hay.

i was with JM, MAMU, ANNA, JOAL, BUNCHU, TOOKNEY, HONNOH, DUNDUN, and LEEZA. supposedly magsskate pero nagkatamaran na hehehehe. mas nakakapagod nga lang dumaldal at maglibot. ugh.

anyway i watched BABEL last night and medyo 7am na ko natulog kakaiyak. yung mga movie na dapat iwasan mo mag-isa ay million dollar baby, crash tsaka babel. sobra. nakakasabog ng dibdib. gusto kong magblog non pero hindi ko alam kung anong mga words ang dapat kong i-type. sobrang lungkot ko.

the movie is a bit like crash but a little more complex. imagine yourself na nakaecstasy pero bingi ka, seeing others jump to the music tapos ikaw... walang naririnig. your partner dying because of ignorance and negligence then your children having a nightmare of their lives coz of stupidity. tangina. imagine yourself, not understanding the culture, the language... alienated. ugh stop stop stop. ansakit sa dibdib.

anyway i really have to do my laundry tonight. grabe 1 month na akong di naglalaba. andami kong LALABHAN taena.

whats with MY WAY?

MAY 31 (Pao found it in yahoo and Abhie pasted it on our confe)

MANILA (AFP) - A jobless man was shot dead by a security guard for singing out of tune in a Philippine karaoke bar, police said Thursday.
ADVERTISEMENT

Romy Baligula, 29, was halfway through his song on Tuesday night in a bar in San Mateo town, east of Manila, when 43-year-old security guard Robilito Ortega yelled that he was out of tune.

As Baligula ignored his comments and continued singing, Ortega pulled out his revolver and shot him in the chest.

Senior Superintendent Felipe Rojas said Baligula died instantly.

The security guard was detained by an off-duty policeman shortly after the shooting.

Deaths and violence are not uncommon in Philippine karaoke bars.

The popular Frank Sinatra song "My Way" has been taken off many karaoke bars in Manila after it was found to be the cause of fights and even deaths when patrons sang out of tune.

i am now officially FREAKED OUT by this song. andami ng namamatay jan hindi na nakakatawa.

anyway, MOA time na naman. Skate na naman kami (actually, sila lang nagsskate, ayokong tumambling pero what the hell, baka nga masaya). ^_^

twilight zone.

i wasnt really planning on going to mayrics moments ago,  but thanks (BIGTIME) to anna, she mad me go there. heehhee.

forgive me for the weird typing i had seven bottles of beer. MAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN it was crazy.

2005, was the year where i first met the people that i held close to my heart. moments ago, when i saw sherylle anne, i was like WHOA. tehn i hugged her so tight coz GOd knows how much i missed her. then Ria Gamboa was there. Nung una hindi ako lumapit coz i thought di na nya ako natatandaan. we were even swapping friendster messages years ago. sobrang good vibes yun si ria. i will definitely hangout with her often.

nung pumasok na ako ng mayrics... i was SHOCKED. the fact that WAWA, KIMOY, GLADS, MARIELILI, CHUNA, MIGS, PEPPER, RITA, LEA, LIEZEL AND JO WERE ALL THERE! AS IN ALL THERE! sabay tumugtog ang  hale ng take no. fuck. feeling ko napunta ako sa dimension na tipong.... tangina... nasan ako? anong taon ngayon? 20 minutes ata bago ko naabsorb that they are all there. nung dumating si DK tsaka GRACIE, ay wala na, kailangan talaga ng pictorial shet. (blog pic courtesy of http://wawawerz.multiply.com)

the fact that ALI, SEVEN, DORINA, ELSA, ANGELI, MONA, BUNCHU, HANNAH, TOOKNEY, ANNABEBI, JOYCE (as in si joyce omg!), TANIA, LUIS, EMY, KAT, KAREN AT MARAMI PANG HALERS, NANDUN PA BESTFRIEND KO, si TRISH, kasama si KAIKA, HANEE, CARLA AND THE HOT BOYFRIEND, ROB. with JM and RYAN, kung andun pa sina MAMU, , LEEZA, LEA, CECIL, CELEST, DON, JAMIE, KRISTINA, SHE AT ACOY maiisip ko kukunin na ako ng diyos at nandun ang lahat ng pinakamamahal ko. yung mga taong sumagip sa katinuan ko. na minsan nga di ko na alam kung pano ko pa mapapakita na sobrang labs ko sila. grabe. tangina ang saya lang.

lalo na nung tinugtog yung UNDERNEATH THE WAVES... san pako lulugar!

she pictures. MAGUUPLOAD AKO DEFINITELY NG PICTURES.

so para lang akong nagdebut. ANG SAYA LORD SANA MAKITA KO SILA LAGI. (ay lasing involved pa si lord.)

P.S. to Jo, thanks sa postcard. sobrang thanks. ^_^

Sabi nga ni Sean Paul

get busy daw. sus ang slow.

hemmingway, yesterday was sooo tiringly fucked up. hindi ako nakahabol sa trinoma because of the friggin traffic at sa insidenteng gumuho ang stage don. so from house to trinoma to eastwood, 350 ang cabfare ko. i have to go to eastwood kasi maraming paguusapan. *sigh* this year is one of the worst years of my life, next to the year when my dad passed away. after that saguijo, tapos nandun na sina rico, jm, al, isang, ryan, rae, dinno, jeff, and ivan. ansaya sobra. andun din si deeks. masaya at nagbbloom hahaha.

*wait champ on the phone*

anyway, di raw sha makakasama. church sila ng 6, dinner then movie. basta bahala na. so may MOA kami later to ice skate, mayrics tomorrow, and fantastic four with janna and erika the next day.

its pretty tiring. and i am absolute that i need going out. ^_^ namiss ko yung ganito.

salita "lang"?

akala ng lahat madali lang magsalita. kaya nga usually, padalos dalos lang tayo. kasi yung pambawi, akala rin natin, salita lang. gasgas na rin yung sa salita AT sa gawa. hindi na gumagana yun nowadays.

minsan din, iniisip ng lahat na panahon lang ang makakaayos ng mga bagay bagay na nasisira. sa pagkakaalam ko, ang panahon kasi, gumagana lang pag may nasimulan na. yun yung tipong, magiisip yung nasaktan, kung dapat ba talagang patawarin. sabi naman, bilang katoliko, matuto tayong magpatawad. totoo naman e. pero hindi naman binanggit na ang dapat matutunan, ay yung makita at maramdaman natin na taus puso yung paghingi ng tawad. hindi yung pagmukhain nating tanga yung sarili natin or matutunan na lang na maging masokista.

kung marunong talaga tayong magmahal, bilang kapatid, kaibigan or "better half"... dapat alam natin yung mga salitang iingatan natin. hindi yung mga salitang aabusuhin. kasi minsan, limang letra man ang salitang "sorry", marami pang salita ang kadugtong nyan kapalit ng sagot sa mga tanong. at siguraduhin natin, na alam natin, kung bakit tayo nanghihingi ng tawad. hindi dahil nasaktan natin sila, kundi dahil sa kung bakit natin nagawa yung nakasakit dun sa tao. kasi pag sinagot natin ng ewan, sigurado, mauulit lang yon.

pag tumatanda ka na, madali ka ng mapagod. nakakatakot yun. yung tipong pagod na ang tenga mo makinig sa mga salita, pagod na yung mata mo kakaiyak, pagod na yung puso mong magpatawad, at pagod na ang kabuuan mo kakahintay ng sagot. at ang mga salitang maririnig, mababasa, at mararamdaman, tumatagos sa kaluluwa. at mas hindi nakakalimutan.

two weeks.

its the first of June. and so far, it has been so bad, ive been spacing out all day in front of my friends.

at exactly 12mn, i was starting to think that i really should run away. away from a place where nobody knows me. that i wont need an internet account, cellphone, or anything that my past could reach me.

my sister and her family will be heading south to live there. and it breaks my heart to know that i cant cry and walk to their house anymore. wala na akong iiyakan. ang layo na. i cant imagine myself looking so sluggish and soaked up in tears inside an fx going to their house somewhere in paranaque. she actually offered me to live with them for the meantime since she knew that me being alone could trigger the worst thing that ive done for how many times. im planning to get my own place if i start working on a call center or somewhere decent and start over. back to square one wow.

i am a crybaby. i always feel like im a failure. it changed when i had cheche in my life. she was my strength, my self-esteem, my whole self. i really am nowhere without her. i was too dependent and secured. just to realize that i shouldnt be.

i promised that i wont write anything about her anymore. i am actually hesitant on bringing the topic up. im so sorry for the disappointed readers and if you cant take it anymore, feel free to delete me as your contact, and i wont hold it against you. i know its getting too tiring and believe me, i would love to stop myself but then again, im such a weakling, i cant help to write this in my journal. i just cant pretend that im all well with whats happening inside me. its eating me up.

the past 2 weeks were okay. i was a bit surprised to face her like nothing had happened. i still get worried when i know shes still out while the rain is pouring heavily. coz of gabby, i was with her for almost every night. and everytime i see her like nothing is wrong, seeing her smile, her eyes... i always feel like theres nothing wrong. i want to hug her and cuddle her while watching tv, make her cook something for me, and all at the same time, it hurts me. because i cant do those things anymore.

im always sleepless coz i think of her.

the past two weeks were a grand denial stage. i literally distract myself of finding anything to do, post, watch, read and i-dont-know-what anymore. its like you have this really thumping headache then you had some painkiller... like you dont really squirm from the pain anymore but you know that the pain is still there, waiting for the drug to come off.

i always ask her questions about you-know-who and i always find the answers disappointing. i want her to be right. i want her to go on with it. i want the pain to just hit me right at my face so i would actually finally feel that thrusting pain once and for all. ive always felt uninformed about what's REALLY happening and her answers do not support what ive read or seen. i am so stupid to do these things. eh hindi rin naman pala ako maniniwala. so im not making any sense. and i know im not making any sense. thats what hurts me. coz i know im just riding a carousel, mundane, nauseating and NOT thrilling.

aaminin ko, the past couple of weeks, umaasa akong magiging maayos kami. umasa akong may ipopost ako rito sa blog ko na patunay kung gaano ako katanga. minsan, yung galit na nararamdaman mo sa kanya, pinipilit mong maging valid. pinipilit mo yung sarili mong magkadahilan dahil alam mo kung ano ang DAPAT mong maramdaman sa mga nangyari. pero alam mo naman, alam nating lahat, na gugustuhin mong masaktan ng paulit-ulit, balikan ka lang. na kaya mong kalimutan ang sakit, tiisin ang mga bangungot, ang takot na mangyari uli, maramdaman mo lang na nandyan lang sila sa tabi mo. at hindi maikukumapara ang mga tulog mo gabi-gabi kahit takot ka, kasi kahit niloloko mo ang sarili mo, pakiramdam mo sayo lang sya.

pero sumuko na ako. :( sobrang sakit man at hirap ng nararamdaman ko ngayon, mas matatamisin ko namang sumaya na lang siya sa iba kesa pilitin nya yung sarili nyang kumbinsihin na ako pa rin ang mahal nya. kahit alam ko talaga na hindi na. kahit sabihin pa nya ng paulit ulit, na dapat akong maniwala, alam ko talaga na hindi na. kasi kung mahal nya ako, hindi na dapat umabot sa ganito. :~~~~~(

nalulungkot ako kasi hiniling ko talaga sya sa diyos. naalala ko yung araw na nasa simbahan ako. na sana makita ko na yung taong makakasama ko habangbuhay. yung hindi magsasawang mahalin ako. tapos nagising na lang ako na sya pala yun. akala ko sya yun. akala ko.

yun pala, yung mga bagay na hindi nya sinasabi sa akin na hindi okay sa kanya, gagamitin nya lang para wala na akong masabi. para masabing tama lang yung nangyari. that i deserve to dwell on this kind of hurt. na dapat, maintindihan ko kung ano ang napapagdaanan ko kasi napagdaanan nya na raw to.

how could you actually defend yourself from something that escaped your memory a long time ago? i find it unfair. at wala na akong lakas para ipagtanggol pa ang sarili ko. kasi mas gusto ko nang may dahilan kung bakit ako nasasaktan kesa nangangapa ako sa dilim. kahit hindi ko na alam kung tama o mali yung dahilan, kung mali talaga ang mga nagawa ko, aakuin ko na lang. para makaramdam pa ako. marami rin naman akong problema. pero pinilit kong balewalain kasi nandyan sya sa tabi ko. again, shes my strength. at ngayong kailangan ko ng bumitaw, haharapin ko na lang to lahat ng mag-isa.

and because of that thought, masakit isipin na ang kakapitang ama ng pinakamagandang anghel na nabuhay sa mundo, eh mas mahina pa sa bulok na kahoy. kaya hanggang ngayon, i will pretend na kaya ko lahat, para kay gabby. ayokong ipakita sa kanya lahat ng pagsisisi ko.

june 1 na. papatapos na ang taon. ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganitong uri ng lungkot at takot sa pasko. at sa mga susunod pang araw.