im just plain tired.
with nothing new in my life...
oh, a sponge cola cd.
a big SSDD post-it stuck on my forehead.
with a big letter L on the back of my shirt.
glasses that doesnt hide my swollen eyes.
swollen eyes coz of spongebob.
ugly movie.
bad coffee.
broken keychain.
lost pair of my favorite earring.
a supposed bad movie.
lying advertisers.
misleading slogans.
migraine.
tummyache.
*sigh*
*oversensitivity mode on.
warning: if the eyes go smaller, take two steps backward, or you might lose a turn.
10.25.2004
10.23.2004
parke sa bahaghari.
tumaas-bumaba ang tubig na hindi inintindi ang dahilan kung bakit. basta alam ko, iba ang lukso ng tuwa sa makikita mo ang sirit. tumakbo, lumundag sa paraisong natatabunan ng usok. naghahanap ng ngingitian, kakawayan, kapalitan ng mga pinulot na batong katumbas ay kayamanang nakukuha sa magkabilang dulo ng mundo. tuturo ka sa buwang nagpapatawa sa likod ng malaking kulapol ng ulap, kalaro ang mga bituing nangingiliti at umiindak. tuyong damong berde pa rin ang kulay, tipaklong sa dampa ng palad, tutubi sa dulo ng sinulid. gulatang nakapagpapasakit ng tyan. sorbetes na mistulang langit sa ibabaw ng apang lumalambot, hawak ng mga malalagkit na kamay. slide, takbo, akyat sa hagdan, slide, takbo, akyat sa hagdan, aray nauntog ang ulo ko, slide, takbo, dapa, bangon, akyat sa hagdan, slide.. alam nyo na ang susunod.
ililipad pa ba ako ng pitong pulang lobo, tapos lulundagin ako ng mga isda habang dumadaan sa dagat?
ang ganda ng dilaw na puno, tapos asul na bulaklak na may paruparong mas malaki sa bahay. pero di ako natatakot kasi mabait siya. lahat ng mga taong patpat, nakangiti. magkakahawak ang kamay. pati araw may mukha, katabi ang mga ibong letter M. iidlip ako sa hapon, para tumangkad, sabi nila. tsaka wala naman talagang multo sa aparador e.
nasa labas ng bahay lahat, at talagang sasampuin mo ang pulang lobo. para lumipad tayo papalayo sa paraisong nilukob ng kamunduhan.
pwede pa bang maging paslit muli?
ililipad pa ba ako ng pitong pulang lobo, tapos lulundagin ako ng mga isda habang dumadaan sa dagat?
ang ganda ng dilaw na puno, tapos asul na bulaklak na may paruparong mas malaki sa bahay. pero di ako natatakot kasi mabait siya. lahat ng mga taong patpat, nakangiti. magkakahawak ang kamay. pati araw may mukha, katabi ang mga ibong letter M. iidlip ako sa hapon, para tumangkad, sabi nila. tsaka wala naman talagang multo sa aparador e.
nasa labas ng bahay lahat, at talagang sasampuin mo ang pulang lobo. para lumipad tayo papalayo sa paraisong nilukob ng kamunduhan.
pwede pa bang maging paslit muli?
a boy had a dream.
i woke up with a heavy burden inside my heart. the sun was shiny. the weather was great. but to what was happening around me, i started to ask myself if i was ignorant.
the domino effect. life is nothing but a circular standing domino pieces. if contact equates hurt then the hurt we do to others goes back in a long process, and that's how we tend to not remember it, then the hurt goes back to us. but we keep on hurting each other. in tiny ways. now, people finds it hard to smile anymore. and we do not know how we affect each other's lives. because everybody doesn't care.
we hated this place. this country. this planet. but we never supported it in many ways. on how we pollute our environment. on how we disregard traffic rules. and then we hated traffic. which is also the effect of ignorantly doing things the easy way.
we ask for the real happiness. on how we find bars of gold. our treasure chest. but we disregard the paths, the choices, the decisions we take. because mainly, the focus of the ideal happiness that we consciously know is convenient. we want things easy. and whenever things go scary, we never face it. we run away. unknowingly, the simple joys are the real happiness. the satisfaction of getting the reward after a chaos. as simple as getting a bonus leaf or magic flower after bumping those rocks and those mysterious boxes, jumping fireballs and ducks that looked like turtles. we don't have the princess yet, but we'll get there. after so many stages.
and we don't support each other. because we also try to save only ourselves. because we thought we grew up in a dog eat dog world. but we're not dogs. we're higher beings, who knew it well that if we're sensitive with each other, we will know what will be satisying for everyone. this planet is just one hell of a big basketball team. with just one big basketball ring. we just have to know where our places are, then we'll be having a lot of points. and losing will not exist. the eeny-weeny problem there is eveyrbody loves drama. twists. the bigger problem, addicted to it.
so love, friendship, blahblah, falls into their right places. if we just know that we do not have any intentions of hurting anyone, how could we go wrong. we can get what we want, without stepping into anyone's toes. we just have to wait. for the right time. we should not hurry and at the same time, not take anything for granted. lucky are those who knew when they'll die. because that is when they will ask for quality time to love and befriend the world. but do we really have to wait for that kind of time? i thought everybody wants to be happy.
again. im not preaching. and just slightly, i see god as our life. god is in us. if u know that church song, god is in the hungry, god is in the jail, god is in the little child that wails. if we hurt anyone of us, we hurt god, we hurt ourselves. the domino effect. it leads back to us. pretty good sample is the tithes thing. the bible demanded(take note of THAT term) 10% of what we get and give to god. according to some people who interpreted that. because if we dont give anything to god, (god=church according to some), god will also do the same thing. but isn't god in the hungry, the beggar, the thirsty? why do we have to focus on giving to priests who have cars. who lives well. who eats well. i dont get it. where's god there? i dont treat the bible as a normal paperback, but isnt it subjective of our own interpretation? the tenth part there could be the umpteenth, the nth, a metaphorical symbolism of how to share. for me, god equates life. life needs balance. and i am embracing life. so i am a believer.
i said too much. actually, i still have a lot of thoughts about this place. i dont think we need to be highly intelligent just to observe what's beyond our control. we create our own environment. we do not need to blame anyone for what's happening but ourselves. it's really difficult but starting over, are two big strong words. heard again and again.
i have never dreamed to be a hero. i have never dreamed to be always right. but if i was heard in any way, my little dream could be granted.
to change the world.
the domino effect. life is nothing but a circular standing domino pieces. if contact equates hurt then the hurt we do to others goes back in a long process, and that's how we tend to not remember it, then the hurt goes back to us. but we keep on hurting each other. in tiny ways. now, people finds it hard to smile anymore. and we do not know how we affect each other's lives. because everybody doesn't care.
we hated this place. this country. this planet. but we never supported it in many ways. on how we pollute our environment. on how we disregard traffic rules. and then we hated traffic. which is also the effect of ignorantly doing things the easy way.
we ask for the real happiness. on how we find bars of gold. our treasure chest. but we disregard the paths, the choices, the decisions we take. because mainly, the focus of the ideal happiness that we consciously know is convenient. we want things easy. and whenever things go scary, we never face it. we run away. unknowingly, the simple joys are the real happiness. the satisfaction of getting the reward after a chaos. as simple as getting a bonus leaf or magic flower after bumping those rocks and those mysterious boxes, jumping fireballs and ducks that looked like turtles. we don't have the princess yet, but we'll get there. after so many stages.
and we don't support each other. because we also try to save only ourselves. because we thought we grew up in a dog eat dog world. but we're not dogs. we're higher beings, who knew it well that if we're sensitive with each other, we will know what will be satisying for everyone. this planet is just one hell of a big basketball team. with just one big basketball ring. we just have to know where our places are, then we'll be having a lot of points. and losing will not exist. the eeny-weeny problem there is eveyrbody loves drama. twists. the bigger problem, addicted to it.
so love, friendship, blahblah, falls into their right places. if we just know that we do not have any intentions of hurting anyone, how could we go wrong. we can get what we want, without stepping into anyone's toes. we just have to wait. for the right time. we should not hurry and at the same time, not take anything for granted. lucky are those who knew when they'll die. because that is when they will ask for quality time to love and befriend the world. but do we really have to wait for that kind of time? i thought everybody wants to be happy.
again. im not preaching. and just slightly, i see god as our life. god is in us. if u know that church song, god is in the hungry, god is in the jail, god is in the little child that wails. if we hurt anyone of us, we hurt god, we hurt ourselves. the domino effect. it leads back to us. pretty good sample is the tithes thing. the bible demanded(take note of THAT term) 10% of what we get and give to god. according to some people who interpreted that. because if we dont give anything to god, (god=church according to some), god will also do the same thing. but isn't god in the hungry, the beggar, the thirsty? why do we have to focus on giving to priests who have cars. who lives well. who eats well. i dont get it. where's god there? i dont treat the bible as a normal paperback, but isnt it subjective of our own interpretation? the tenth part there could be the umpteenth, the nth, a metaphorical symbolism of how to share. for me, god equates life. life needs balance. and i am embracing life. so i am a believer.
i said too much. actually, i still have a lot of thoughts about this place. i dont think we need to be highly intelligent just to observe what's beyond our control. we create our own environment. we do not need to blame anyone for what's happening but ourselves. it's really difficult but starting over, are two big strong words. heard again and again.
i have never dreamed to be a hero. i have never dreamed to be always right. but if i was heard in any way, my little dream could be granted.
to change the world.
10.18.2004
pitong minuto at dalawamput syam na segundo
minsan mahirap yatang huminga. dahil na yata sa usok na hindi naman nakabuti kahit kailan. o dahil may mga nakasabit sa leeg ko, nakikinabang, pero hindi marunong mamigay. nakakalito.
minsan ayaw mong magturo. pero mas matalas ba talaga ang pandinig kesa sa paningin? dahil sa dami ng ating pwedeng makita, hindi na rumirehistro ang totoong anyo. at iyon pala, salita lang ang makapabibigay ng totoong o maling kulay dahil mas tinuon ko ang sariling makinig. o mali lang ako magisip. o mali talaga ako. nakakalito.
minsan gusto mo lang humiga. dahil pagod ka na. pero mistulang nakakakapagod ang magpahinga. bubuo ka ng eroplano sa papel, ashtray sa lata, o kaibigan sa plastik. dahil ganun lang yata ang buhay. tayo nga ba ang lumilikha ng mga sariling multo? o binuhay tayong may mga gumagala talagang hindi natin nakikita? na kahit anong bait mo, kahit anong intindi, sarili mo ang huling kalaban. kung ikaw ba ang manghihingi ng paumanhin dahil nag-isip ka ng masama laban sa kanila. o naniwala ka sa narinig. o naniwala ka sa nakita.
o dahil sadyang tanga akong magmahal. nakakalito.
minsan ayaw mong magturo. pero mas matalas ba talaga ang pandinig kesa sa paningin? dahil sa dami ng ating pwedeng makita, hindi na rumirehistro ang totoong anyo. at iyon pala, salita lang ang makapabibigay ng totoong o maling kulay dahil mas tinuon ko ang sariling makinig. o mali lang ako magisip. o mali talaga ako. nakakalito.
minsan gusto mo lang humiga. dahil pagod ka na. pero mistulang nakakakapagod ang magpahinga. bubuo ka ng eroplano sa papel, ashtray sa lata, o kaibigan sa plastik. dahil ganun lang yata ang buhay. tayo nga ba ang lumilikha ng mga sariling multo? o binuhay tayong may mga gumagala talagang hindi natin nakikita? na kahit anong bait mo, kahit anong intindi, sarili mo ang huling kalaban. kung ikaw ba ang manghihingi ng paumanhin dahil nag-isip ka ng masama laban sa kanila. o naniwala ka sa narinig. o naniwala ka sa nakita.
o dahil sadyang tanga akong magmahal. nakakalito.
10.13.2004
lick, shoot, suck er..
it went to those petty things a naked eye almost missed seeing. a spinning spiral hypnosis of make believe or surrealism. the hunger of being the icy self-esteemed form you can imagine, clouded the reasoning and responsibilities life has brought since you learned how to play monopoly then won.
a meaningless tragedy one has always forgiven, but unforgotten. for we try to count the lessons we have to teach to one another, it was the value of the days laughing over four empty bottles and two used glasses that stops us from starting the learning process. some might cause hurt, others might cause beans to spill surprisingly. unneeded though and misses all the points.
until the world evolved like a pokemon becoming a monster. words lost its definition like a simple yes to a maybe, a no, or an i-could-not-understand-you-but-what-the-heck phrase. from aardvark to zulu. like a rare blue canary you entrust to some hands but lets it choke by squeezing it to death. caused by losing self-control and its cuteness. amazement that you cannot help thus the jungle animal type of instinct. bite my head off coz your hungry, out of glutton and not of survival.
sick.
absurd.
pathetic.
opportunist!
and then they pray of happiness.
it wasnt actually a cheese on a mouse trap. but everything suddenly clicked and snapped. just like something took a bite on it then died. it was just a cheese, that killed a part of a soul and broke a trust so hard to earn, almost impossible of gluing all back together.
so once you ask a favor, make yourself one. for the moment we blink, everything changes to a woozy hot lemonny feel we cant say sorry of. the actions we do are the judgments we make.
a meaningless tragedy one has always forgiven, but unforgotten. for we try to count the lessons we have to teach to one another, it was the value of the days laughing over four empty bottles and two used glasses that stops us from starting the learning process. some might cause hurt, others might cause beans to spill surprisingly. unneeded though and misses all the points.
until the world evolved like a pokemon becoming a monster. words lost its definition like a simple yes to a maybe, a no, or an i-could-not-understand-you-but-what-the-heck phrase. from aardvark to zulu. like a rare blue canary you entrust to some hands but lets it choke by squeezing it to death. caused by losing self-control and its cuteness. amazement that you cannot help thus the jungle animal type of instinct. bite my head off coz your hungry, out of glutton and not of survival.
sick.
absurd.
pathetic.
opportunist!
and then they pray of happiness.
it wasnt actually a cheese on a mouse trap. but everything suddenly clicked and snapped. just like something took a bite on it then died. it was just a cheese, that killed a part of a soul and broke a trust so hard to earn, almost impossible of gluing all back together.
so once you ask a favor, make yourself one. for the moment we blink, everything changes to a woozy hot lemonny feel we cant say sorry of. the actions we do are the judgments we make.
isang pirasong langit.
ang hinubog na kundimang ipinakapit sa pisngi ng puso'y maaaring pagbuhusan ng panahon upang manakaw ng lupit nitong tinawag nating mundo. ngunit kailanma'y di nangambang maagaw ito dahil patuloy kong aawitin hanggang balutin ako ng saliw ng yong pag-ibig.
nahapo na yata ang prusisyon ng mga salita para sa pagbibigay liwanag ng nalilok na imaheng kayang silayan ng iyong mga mata. sapagkat mag-iba man ang liku-likong daan, hindi ko papayagang mabasag ang nasaksihan na ng lahat, 'yun at yon pa rin ang makikita ng buong katauhan, ang aking sinimulang hindi magtatapos.
sa nakaraang napagmasadan ko ang sariling nakatingala sa malawak na bughaw na langit, naghintay pala akong makita uli itong umiiyal. nang maipon ko ang lahat ng kanyang luha at sabihin sa makalawang mas maganda siya pag nakangiti. bagkus, ay hiningi ko ang lahat ng buong kalangitan, upang alagaan ang hindi nya maingatang sarili. nangakong hindi ka na luluha muli.
at kung ikaw ang anghel na bumaba dahil sa mga sugat ng iyong mga pakpak, likha ng mga batong mapangutya, ako ang gagamot at sasalo sa lahat ng ipupukol sa iyo. maramdaman mo lamang na lilipad ka pa rin, dahil sa lahat ng aking magagawa. maghihilom din ang lahat ng sugat ko, hayaan mo, dahil yakap ko ang buhay. na kaiinggitan ng lahat.
hindi ako nagdarasal dati. nahihiyang humiling sa kahit sampung patak ng ulan lamang para sa natuyuang mga mata, sa kahit dampi ng liwanag para sa nadilimang daan, at sa kakampi para sa digmaang hindi natatapos.
ngunit ng iabot sa akin ang isang pirasong langit, kulang pa ang magsalita ang aking puso, para sa pasasalamat na hindi kayang tapusin ng iba. dahil hindi lahat ng anghel ay laging natatagpuan sa likuran natin, hindi lahat ay isasama ka sa paglipad, at hindi lahat ay may kakayanang maghintay.
nahapo na yata ang prusisyon ng mga salita para sa pagbibigay liwanag ng nalilok na imaheng kayang silayan ng iyong mga mata. sapagkat mag-iba man ang liku-likong daan, hindi ko papayagang mabasag ang nasaksihan na ng lahat, 'yun at yon pa rin ang makikita ng buong katauhan, ang aking sinimulang hindi magtatapos.
sa nakaraang napagmasadan ko ang sariling nakatingala sa malawak na bughaw na langit, naghintay pala akong makita uli itong umiiyal. nang maipon ko ang lahat ng kanyang luha at sabihin sa makalawang mas maganda siya pag nakangiti. bagkus, ay hiningi ko ang lahat ng buong kalangitan, upang alagaan ang hindi nya maingatang sarili. nangakong hindi ka na luluha muli.
at kung ikaw ang anghel na bumaba dahil sa mga sugat ng iyong mga pakpak, likha ng mga batong mapangutya, ako ang gagamot at sasalo sa lahat ng ipupukol sa iyo. maramdaman mo lamang na lilipad ka pa rin, dahil sa lahat ng aking magagawa. maghihilom din ang lahat ng sugat ko, hayaan mo, dahil yakap ko ang buhay. na kaiinggitan ng lahat.
hindi ako nagdarasal dati. nahihiyang humiling sa kahit sampung patak ng ulan lamang para sa natuyuang mga mata, sa kahit dampi ng liwanag para sa nadilimang daan, at sa kakampi para sa digmaang hindi natatapos.
ngunit ng iabot sa akin ang isang pirasong langit, kulang pa ang magsalita ang aking puso, para sa pasasalamat na hindi kayang tapusin ng iba. dahil hindi lahat ng anghel ay laging natatagpuan sa likuran natin, hindi lahat ay isasama ka sa paglipad, at hindi lahat ay may kakayanang maghintay.
bugtong sa mandaraya.
sumbong ng pusong ligaw para sa mundong mapanglaw ay hindi naririnig ng mga hubad na tenga kalaban ang mga mapangahas na halakhak sa likod ng mumunting salitang nagmistulang mga bubog sa putikan habang sumasayaw kang nakayapak. makapupulot ka pa ba ng bayaning hindi naman pala kayang sagipin ang sarili? umagos man ang luhang masahol pa sa pait ng buhay ay hindi nakasasagip ng damdaming matagal ng lunod sa pulot na akala'y matamis, isa lang palang lapot na mahirap takasan. isang hablot sa hanging ikinuyom pa sa palad para matitigan ang akalang may ganda, pinilit sagipin para sa sarili, sa pag-iisip na may aagaw sa tunog na nilikha ng pagaspas ng mga dahon o sa musika ng paglubog ng araw.
mga bagay palang hindi naaaninag ng mga hambog na mata ang pilit mong inilitgtas sa mga kamay ng mananakit. sugatan man ang binti'y pilit itatakas. tagain man ang bisig, pilit aabutin. mapanindigan lang ang isinumpang mga tulang namutawi sa sinungaling na labi.
isa lamang akong bata na walang hinangad kundi ang magbigay ng pag-asang maghahatid sa lahat ng ngiti. diniktahan ang sariling masakit ang manakit. ngunit lahat na pala ng tamis ng umaga ay binabawi rin ng dilim. dilim na mas nagtatagal pa sa liwanag. dahil ang umaga'y mas mahirap hatiin para sa lahat. pinag-aagawan. pinagdududuhan.
may mga likha palang hindi dapat ingatan.
parang ikaw.
mga bagay palang hindi naaaninag ng mga hambog na mata ang pilit mong inilitgtas sa mga kamay ng mananakit. sugatan man ang binti'y pilit itatakas. tagain man ang bisig, pilit aabutin. mapanindigan lang ang isinumpang mga tulang namutawi sa sinungaling na labi.
isa lamang akong bata na walang hinangad kundi ang magbigay ng pag-asang maghahatid sa lahat ng ngiti. diniktahan ang sariling masakit ang manakit. ngunit lahat na pala ng tamis ng umaga ay binabawi rin ng dilim. dilim na mas nagtatagal pa sa liwanag. dahil ang umaga'y mas mahirap hatiin para sa lahat. pinag-aagawan. pinagdududuhan.
may mga likha palang hindi dapat ingatan.
parang ikaw.
10.12.2004
the first production.
in behalf of my bandmates, i would like to thank all the people who participated our very first production. sa lahat na rin ng sumuporta, it'll not be succesful without you. i just cant find the words to thank who tried and made them self stuck with us for a few hours.
the tickets were almost sold out coz we are expecting just a hundred people. and we were a hundre and 14 there. it was overwhelming. sayang di nakapagstay yung iba.
sa dalawang guest band, salamat din at sinalo nyo ang slot namin na hindi ko na kinaya dahil sa pagod. sa mga lyrics na nakalimutan ko, di na mauulit yun.
isa pang ulit, maraming salamat. mabuhay po tayong lahat.
the tickets were almost sold out coz we are expecting just a hundred people. and we were a hundre and 14 there. it was overwhelming. sayang di nakapagstay yung iba.
sa dalawang guest band, salamat din at sinalo nyo ang slot namin na hindi ko na kinaya dahil sa pagod. sa mga lyrics na nakalimutan ko, di na mauulit yun.
isa pang ulit, maraming salamat. mabuhay po tayong lahat.
10.05.2004
..
i just broke down. the pressure, the worries, the petty fuckers.. it all ran straight into my head, then i suddenly i just burst into tears without knowing what the main reason is.
my heads fucking up again. i dunno if i should go drugging as well to have my balances back. i just dont know how and what to think anymore.
oh, ive got one silly question: why do some people say yes if they actually meant maybe or no? im not the type of a person who challenges an argument if s/he, e.g. can't come, disagrees, going to be late.. i mean, what's up with that? NEVER AKONG NAGING MALABO KAUSAP. PAG HINDI, HINDI! AYAW MO, WAG MO. I just dont know where they got that time-wasting, hope-crushing attitude. it sickens me too much. every single person around me. weird. i go moronically adjust my time frame/zone, because that person said yes. and my minutes just go flying out to wasteland. Putang ina, and thats with a capital P.
some people just dont understand what u sacrifice for them. mga walang kwentang tao. and i feel like, my college galit-ako-sa-mundo-without-a-cause role is trying to suck into my system again.
my heads fucking up again. i dunno if i should go drugging as well to have my balances back. i just dont know how and what to think anymore.
oh, ive got one silly question: why do some people say yes if they actually meant maybe or no? im not the type of a person who challenges an argument if s/he, e.g. can't come, disagrees, going to be late.. i mean, what's up with that? NEVER AKONG NAGING MALABO KAUSAP. PAG HINDI, HINDI! AYAW MO, WAG MO. I just dont know where they got that time-wasting, hope-crushing attitude. it sickens me too much. every single person around me. weird. i go moronically adjust my time frame/zone, because that person said yes. and my minutes just go flying out to wasteland. Putang ina, and thats with a capital P.
some people just dont understand what u sacrifice for them. mga walang kwentang tao. and i feel like, my college galit-ako-sa-mundo-without-a-cause role is trying to suck into my system again.
10.03.2004
epiphany # 31
our gig will be on october 9. same date with alicia keys. wow. my friends will be choosing over our band and alicia keys. isnt that a tough one?
i myself wanted to watch her concert here. dang.
its quarter to 10 in the evening and i actually wanted to be stuck with the book that i have right now. i cant believe you can actually see "busy" when you cant watch your supposed scheduled tv shows, cant read the books you bought and sneak in a cafe just to have an extra time to post.
we're still nervous for the gig next saturday. hope it goes well.
i myself wanted to watch her concert here. dang.
its quarter to 10 in the evening and i actually wanted to be stuck with the book that i have right now. i cant believe you can actually see "busy" when you cant watch your supposed scheduled tv shows, cant read the books you bought and sneak in a cafe just to have an extra time to post.
we're still nervous for the gig next saturday. hope it goes well.
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