what the actual fuck!!!

 my upwork account is on hold.

the companies i applied for dont call me back.

the paypal games i had were scamming.

when will i get a fuckin break!!!!

i will love you forever dex gacad

 i have never been the same without you i will never be whole. i will forever feel horrible that i made mistakes and i lost you because of those. i love you so bad.

hello?

 does anyone read this blog? if so, please text me please. i need human connection. my dog farted ugh

this pandemic.//giving up?

 lately, i have been feeling really anxious about evrything especially my financial status. i have been trying to get a job and seemed like they lost interest on me like they dont call back or I'm left wondering if I got in or what. they seem to approve of me but why arent they calling back to tell when im going to start. thnk god for the help of some of my friends that i get by. but dude the online loans i have. i mean, they kept piling up coz i havent paid them  i mean how can i. i dont know where to get money. imagine that one night, i have to ride a cab just to go to banco de oro to withdraw but it was still on my paymaya so i have to transfer pa and then my phone died. imagine that i cant even pay the cab and have to run and ask for a hundred to a neighbor i barely know, (paid him the next day). i cant even say how rock bottom ive been. i have debt with trish, ivan, miss kaye, ruth, and god knows who pa but i am drowning. i am literally catchiing my breath everytime i think of it and receive a text from the threatening  online loan but im thankful im alive and well of course. its just that it was harder coz dex broke up with me again last july, and now is the perfect time that i needed someone by my side, then ryan and rae have this huge wall for me, roemart hates me, ivan and everyone hates me i know, i always have this lingering thought that everyone hates me, hence me being alone and anxious. this pandemic should end or it will just drive me crazy. birthday's coming up and i feel like a failure that no one wants. its just so hard to stand up again.

quarantine day 73

Ok so its general communit quarantine and we still dont have a transpo. even backriding is still illegal. theres no chance in hell that im going to get assistance, so im stuck literally.

it almost 12mn and im watching carrie. if i could just do this. ugh the things i would do.

still fixing my iphone. and using the old android phone. blech. bulok.

It's 225 am and I have to write this down offline coz my phone suddenly lost its display and two, I have no wifi. Now Im not sure when did the ecq start? was it march 15?... anyway, today is the first day of the general community quarantine. and I realized a lot of things during this lockdown. One, I really got to rely on hope coz there were instances that it was driving me nuts coz I was alone in the house. But, I was never alone. I had my friends that I could call or talk to online when I had a phone and data.  Two, I have my sister. There were a few moments that triggered my panic attacks, like getting my meralco bill. I quit my job before the pandemic, Which was a bad move I suppose. Coz I can work at home. Too bad, I got sick before it happened and my flu was horrendous. It was embarassing enough, reason that I would not go to the office 'coz I was chat support and our bay usually is a bay of typing and clicking. No one's really blabbering unless its an idle time. SO I dont wanna be coughing like Im dying. Coz I sounded like that. Dying. So no job, no money. What's depressing is I did not get assistance from government like sss, dswd or dole coz the barangay said, I'm alone and single. How sad is that.

Forgive me, I cant sleep. Thats why im here typing my misery away. Getting so paranoid that there is someone walking up the stairs coz Im hearing the floor creaking.

And I lost a friend. He's one of the people that I can count on actually. Julio. He's usually my go to when things are crazy. His idiotic jokes and stories always crack me up. He's silent but man, that kid. I just cant dwell on that so moving on...

Realizing, that during these times,  the street, the traffic, isnt so bad after all. I think Ive complained too much before that this virus changed everything.