It Consumes Like Fire.

it has been the longest days of my life and no matter how i distract myself by having fun... i always end up sleepless in front of my pc, trying to filter out what to type just to suck out the bore in telling everything.

i have been so angry lately. really really angry. with the people who thought they had the right to do terrible things to their family, partners and friends. kudos to the rolled-in-one species.

we all know that in every aspect of our action, right or wrong, theres always a reason behind it. but having reasons do not mean things are justified. we have the right to be angry, but we dont have the right to hurt anyone. especially if we have our murky judgments hanging out of our sleeves. i myself is aware of my faults that i might have been overlooking the past few years, taking things for granted, but i think, personally, the easiest way to wake up a person who's forgetting things, is to grab his attention. a calm tap on the shoulder, thrice, then tell the person, hey im here. talk. listen. converse. and thats what we call in our world, communication.

i believed, (take note of the past tense, ey) that patience should compensate love, sacrifices should compensate faith and compromises should compensate relationships. and i just realized that when you have all this principles to yourself, ignorant people could just do their faults and say sorry about it, (im using the overused word "sorry") then as a person who has absorbed these things should just forgive. unfair. but we all know that life is not fair. or should i go beyond my crisis and check it again.

the last time i checked, it really isnt.

and when you live in a dog eat dog world, how could the submissive you just let life pass you by then believe that there is something worthy waiting for us on the edge of it. like heaven for instance. are we really that willing to take a risk, to not protect ourselves with defenses that could hurt another person?

as a matter of fact, there is really no gold at the end of the rainbow. coz if we try to be 80% good just to fit in the gates of heaven, then make your life as miserable as hell, i think we should also have the journey to get that gold first.

i am running out of faith in everything. and maybe in some way, i really still do believe that there wouldnt be any compassion if there is no suffering. but compassion is just the juice out of the big fruit of suffering. it may be refreshing, but i dont think it would be enough to take away the pain.

now the question is... am i aware that i am consumed by anger? yes. and as much as i wanted to deny that i am bitter right now, im so sorry but i am. i will let anger consume me like fire, burn me into ashes, then i will still have the hope to rise again.