love kills

.. if you let love kill you. heres a story. (a part of my novel.. "kissing christian" hehehehe)

well.. sam has a girlfriend. he's bisexual and his girlfriend knows it. theres this one point of his life that he had a boyfriend named christian. it all started when they were friends, swapping comics, music videos and stuff. sam's a sweet guy and he's not the typical bisexual we know. he's a fan of love i must say. he says love is genderless, boundless... and i thought thats the lamest justification of trying to have a bigger target market of getting laid. well he proved me wrong.

after the breakup, christian tried of getting back together but sam's half-hearted to do that coz he wanna have the good old way of a normal life. sam broke up with his girl but he prefers to be alone for the meantime. god knows how sam love christian so bad but christian had this bad side that comes out.. verbally. he texted sam "MAMATAY KA NA." a lot of times when he gets angry... and he says he doesnt mean it. i mean... who the hell texts that a lot of times.

sam kinda backed off and tried to not communicate with christian. after 3 months... sam tried to call christian to patch things up. but just within the "friends only" level. they tried to promise that they will start from scratch and no past diggings please. so they hung out again but after three weeks...

christian said hes goin to sams house. wednesday 7am. so sam didnt sleep coz hes such a narcoleptic. you cant just wake him up by making his cellphone or landline ring.

sam texted.. "hey. hindi ako natulog para walang hassle. hehee" twas 650 am when he did that. but christian replied that he has an overtime so he might get a lil late. sam asked for a favor that maybe christian could pay for his internet bill for the meantime. so they were supposed to go the mall to do that. 830, and christian's still on the road, sam fell asleep, not noticing that his cellphones were out of battery.

920 am and sam woke up. worrying that chirstian might be already waiting at their front door. he turned on his celphone and got a 4 part message from christian.

"PUTANGINA ANG KAPAL TALAGA NG MUKHA MO. IKAW ANG PINAKATAMAD, IRESPONSABLE, SAKIM AT MANGGAGAMIT NA TAONG NAKILALA KO. ALAM MONG PAGOD AKO, GALING OPISINA, NAGOVERTIME, BUMYAHE, AT TUTULUGAN MO LANG AKO. HINDI NAKO NADALA SAYO. SANA HINDI KA MAGISING HAYUP KA. TANGINA MO TALAGA."

a night before, sam had fever and an asthma attack. after reading the message... he heard their gate slammed. so he ran downstairs, and tried shouting christian's name, while he was walking away. but he did not hear it. sam ran upstairs... got his pants on and tried to run for christian. he was about to ride the bus but he saw christian on his cellphone. maybe he was trying to reach sam again. when they saw each other... sam was panting... trying to catch his breath.

when they got in the house.. sam went upstairs but christian lit a cigarette and stayed on the sofa. sam lied down and texted him.. "hey im sorry. i know your angry. i waited for you the whole morning and i accidentally fell asleep." when got that. he went upstairs then just sat in front of the pc. "tara na magbayad na tayo".. said christian. "uhm... actually hindi na tayo magbabayad ngayon. my bills due til next month pa pala so i can take care of it na. i just wanted you to be here para sabay na tayo mamaya kasi sa QC rin ako papunta." the christian just blurted... "you understand why i texted you those things right?". sam did not answer. he just sat on the bed trying to not begin arguing.

"hey take some rest na and ill do some things pa para mamaya sa client. may meeting pa kami ng 8pm. kumain ka na ba?". christian did not answer. he sat on the bed... and asked him "you understand right?"

sam cried. "no i didnt. you promised youll stop texting me those things. how long have you been staying there outside?"
"15 minutes."
"you accumulated that max of an anger within 15 minutes???"
"NO. I ACCUMULATED THAT ALL THESE YEARS"
"what the hell is wrong with you. you promised that if you want us to hangout again... youll never be that kind of a person"
"AND YOU PROMISED YOULL BE RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO JUST OPEN YOUR DOOR. DONT YOU THINK IM NOT EMBARASSED BY YOUR NEIGHBORS STARING AT ME"
"YOURE EMBARASSED COZ YOU WERE STAYING IN THE FRONT DOOR FOR 15 MINUTES? YOU THINK WHEN I WENT OUT WEARING PAJAMAS THEN RAN AFTER YOU WAS JUST NOTHING FOR ME??? THIS IS MY HOUSE. AND THEY ARE MY NEIGHBORS. IF YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT EMBARASSMENTS... YOU MIGHT TRY TO THINK A LOT MORE BETTER THAN THAT ONE"
"TANGINA GINAGAMIT MO LANG AKO. ILANG TAON NA. IKAW NA NGA TONG MAY PABOR IKAW PATONG MAKAPAL ANG MUKHA MAGGAGANYAN"
"I SAID SORRY! A LOT OF TIMES. WHAT ELSE DO U WANT ME TO DO???? I DONT NEED TO ASK THAT FAVOR ANYMORE AND WHY ARE YOU STILL BLOWING IT TO MY FACE??"

sam cried so hard. then a few minutes later... he was trying to catch his breath. his asthma became worse.. then suddenly he had a heartburn. he tried to calm down but the pain was getting worse. he clutched his heart then he squirmed. all of a sudden,,, sam didnt move. christian said he turned blue then stopped breathing. minutes later... he woke up.. with the same pain and gasped for air. tried to breathe but he was still in blinding pain. christian wasnt there when he tried to stand up and get his inhaler. he was thinking of going to the hospital himself so he tried to go downstairs. then his heart contracted again and he was about to fall on the stairs but luckily, christian caught him. he went outside to look for some help. sam started coughing and started to throw up. it got worse. sam couldnt breathe at all. when he went to the restroom he threw up green stuff, stomach acids i guess.. and felt a lil better after that. he was crying and thought of all the things he might leave. he thought he was about to die. "ayoko pang mamatay... ayoko pang mamatay.. fuck... hindi pwede ngayon..."

their neighbors' mom came in and tried to make him feel relaxed. she got a face towel and cold water coz sam was burning hot. he was okay after an hour. then he went to the hospital the morning after, with his sister. because of that all of his family knew about the real score with sam and christian. and theyre a lil furious about it.

and sam's friends.

(to be continued..)

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on a personal note... sam didnt defend himself. coz he thought that christian might say sorry after saying those things. he wasnt expecting that it was much of a false hope. christian felt so good about it actually.