i actually dont know what to write here in my lj. sometimes, im scared of typing things in here coz someone might read it. weirdly, this is my journal. so why the hell should i get scared.
ok. *breathes deeply* i kinda needed help in some way. so any comment wouldnt come unsolicited. i kinda noticed i have committment issues. its like im the kind of a person who doesnt want to be 24/7 with someone that i really care. is that bad? i just got used on the fact that sometimes... i really needed some time alone. i dont like when a person becomes too clingy. i dont know why it irritates me. on the other hand, i also get annoyed when that person makes me feel guilty about me feeling that. i know it hurts the other party in some way, but its not that i dont wanna be with someone i truly care. so the "i needed some space" crap is true indeed. when i want them to call me when i miss them, they dont do it. i really wonder why. its like i just dont really get the compromises we should consider. you dont call and ur an ass. you try to contact them and youre a bit ignored. what the hell is going on?
why do i always get this kind of problem? i once heard that you teach people how to treat you. or.. you get to choose the person you wanna be with so its always your own fault. but i dont really think i would choose to teach that to a person. i just hate it. really really hate it. on the other hand, as a saggitarian (or the normal dna of a male specie.. which is actually bad for me coz im definitely both), i am scared of committment. i dont think im ready to be WITH someone. sometimes... i just want to drop everything i have so i could start by my own. so by then, i could justify my choices. but of course, i dont wanna create a mistake im gonna regret for the rest of my life.
2nd issues. friends. i know that i have lots of them. the past 15 years of my life sucked when it comes to quantity. pero quality, mind you. so i always thank god for making me have lots of them now. but again, i dont know if some friends had this sentiment that i usually have. there may be times that i wont miss them but once i see them, its like .. yeah i missed them but i just didnt know. but i truly truly do. and some friends could easily forget you so when time pass by, they will have this kind of characteristic of getting cold and then just shrugs off my existence. im also thinking if i have the right to choose when to be nice. coz as far as i know, we should be nice all the time. but god it doesnt work. some really have boundary issues. or they basically dont care at all. plastikan nga kumbaga. pero putangina kahit sabihin ko sa sarili ko na kaya kong makipagplastikan, hindi talaga. coz i feel my nerves having this sensation like ants crawling all over me when i try to do it. pag di ka naman namansin suplado ka. and ive heard from some matapobre (which by the way, is going to die alone and sad) na wala kang karapatang hindi mamansin kung wala kang ipagmamalaki. i dont get the rules.
i miss my old self. when i get to be the ass who doesnt speak and doesnt care at all. just waiting for the day to end. doing things that i would love doing. not like this. thinking about things that annoy me. life would be a lot better with that attitude. and since ive got my old friends.. should i stop having new ones? but fuck. people are not like shirts. or overeating. they come. thing is... i dont like it when they go. or cling even.
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