Whirlpool.

When you actually go through something, like its your pre-midlife crisis, you tend to ask for this certain privacy which nobody could understand and this haze in front of you starts to fade out little by little.

And i just realized im stuck inside a whirlpool. A whirlpool so fast, i literally tranced without feeling nauseated. i thought it was fun.

do you get the feeling when you see that swirling thing and youre so curious you tend to touch it and try to break the swirl? thats what i felt the first time.

until that whirlpool became sooo big i didnt know i was inside it. turning, deluded, and then i got tired, confused, dazed and... lost.

thats where i tried swimming against it. just to prove to myself that i am such a strong person and i will get through it. but i didnt. i was stuck. so i stopped struggling. waiting to feel rock bottom and disappointingly i was just stuck. i think its just waiting for me to crack my head open.

then there are these lending hands trying to save you. waiting for you to reach and grab them by the wrist. whats sad is they dont even notice that they are being pulled inside the whirl. congratulations. i am now spinning round and round with GUILT.

as much as i wanted to be thankful that they are now spinning with me, i think it defeats the purpose of salvation.

now i feel surrender. now i feel that i have to just let the whirlpool tire itself and decide whethere to spit me out or drag me underneath its eye.

and now is the perfect time to throw up even without the dizziness. even without the churning. i just wanted to feel a little bit of relief after one horrible spin. because God knows its so tiring.

and the little twirl that my finger tried to play upon, that itty bitty twirl... became the biggest stirring of my self. and during these times, the choosing is for the unpriveleged, for it will judge who i really am.

and sometimes, you dont really wanna know the outcome.