Dead End.

i didnt show up at 19East coz there was this big hassle that actually sent me getting high. I solely think that sometimes, suicide is not the last resort of handling uncontrolled rage and frustration but merely forgetting it and escaping reality. im not an addict. i just wanna feel that i could be alive.

i was woozy when i was walking. i was high and walking on the street waiting for a cab to go to paranaque. and when i was actually inside a cab, i said to the driver that he has to stop. because i changed my mind. the driver was... huh? ok lang po kayo ser? i cant even open my eyes because i feel like once i open it, ill be facing the ground. so bumalik na lang ako, humiga, pumikit at nakatulog ng limang oras.

naisip ko... its either nakapikit at maiiyak lang ako sa 19east, or marami lang ang magagalit sakin coz i did a "bad" thing.

Its so fucking exhausting to explain things to a person and yet, she doesnt want to absorb my explanation. i get it. i get her side. but there are things that i have to do because its there. and ignoring it or trying to stay away from it does not mean it could end. its there. might as well accept it and handle it the way i wanted it to handle.

my lifes a mess. alam ko maraming mas malala ang problema ng ibang tao but im not talking about their life, im talking about mine. so giving me the bright side and making me see the silver lining wont help as of this moment.

its so self-centered and immature to think na walang makakaintindi sakin. pero thats what i feel. i always feel that i have my own reason whether its right or wrong, pero yung ang rason ko e. at hindi ako makakilos. i dont actually feel that i am trapped on something i cant escape to, because i know there are a lot of good things its bringing into my life. i am knowing myself and i feel independent and responsible enough because of it. the means wasnt even for myself, its for the people around me that needed some help too.

okay sorry. ill stop being vague. but i think it would shock people if i write this post as blunt as an autobiography. and i guess this isnt the right time to talk about it.

alam ba ng lahat na nakakapagod umiyak? na gusto mong dukutin yung mata mo dahil sobrang sakit na niya. alam rin ba ng lahat na nakakaiyak mapagod?

mahirap mabuhay ng hindi ka pinagkakatiwalaan. mahirap din mabuhay na lagi kang binabakuran at sinusubaybayan. na hindi ka pwedeng magdesisyon dahil ano bang maipagmamalaki ko kung ako ang laging inaalagaan? hindi ba tama lang ang tumanaw ng utang na loob sa hindi pagtalikod sa mga tumulong sayo?

and i thought love was unconditional. because unconditional love is politically incorrect. conditional love isnt love at all. its a business deal.

akala ng lahat maramot ako. na iniisip ko lang ang sarili ko pag umiiyak ako sa kantang mariposa. ayoko ng magisa. ayoko ng magisa. pero naniniwala ako, na dumarating sa punto ang lahat ng tao, gaano man karami ang kaibigan, gaano man kasaya ang samahan, nararamdaman ang pagiging magisa. bakit?

dahil hindi ko na alam.