Lost.

I guess this has been one of the most crucial phase of my life. i dont know if i should call this my turning point, but there was this one morning, i woke up and i suddenly realized, that im the only one who understands my perspectives.

i suddenly wanted change. and i want other people to accept the change i wanted to happen. coz its atypical, unconventional and i dont know what else. so i tried to be honest. but yet again, honesty is not always the best policy.

i am suffering. and also, it just hit my head, that its all wrong. i made things happen, but it was all wrong.

i suddenly wanted to be alone. i suddenly wanted to disappear. i suddenly wanted a psychiatrist. i suddenly wanted a blue pill. i was back from myself, where i am afraid to hurt anyone but myself. i didnt realize, i am the only one who's hurting. coz i thought i wanted more. yet its the other way around.

no, i dont pity myself. i am not actually a fan of pity parties.

i think, no, i know, that guilt doesnt have to do anything about being honest. not even on having a clear conscience. this is why, being honest nowadays, deserves a credit. i also believe that some people doesnt even deserve the truth, because initially, they pretend to be okay with it. but as time goes by, little by little, your honesty blows up in your face.

weird right? you tend to make one virtue happen, yet, you suffer. what is that?

well, im one of those people who tries to be honest but not actually trying to enlist ourselves on that waiting area for canonization. i tried to be honest because i actually felt it was needed. just to get off that feeling about secrecy.

im done talking. im done being empathic. i think there are people in my life  who deserves more of who i really am.