Birthdeps Eve.

I think this is the only birthday i will never try to celebrate. This is the only year that i really didnt feel any excitement or anything. Shit yeah im getting old.

Time flew so fast. And i really never noticed that my day is fast approaching.

It's Abhie's birthday too. I remembered the perfect birthday we celebrated last 2005. I read the notes cheche compiled secretly while we were celebrating. I remembered ourselves having fun. Jumped on the pool at around 4am. Randomly. Drunk with 30 bottles of gin and 3 liters of vodka. 2 cases of beer. All of my friends were there. Aia was there. and i read her note when we were so thankful that we have each other in our lives. but of course i messed up.

Abhie gave birth yesterday. Of course i got excited. but we have loose ends that I need to tie. She was so pissed off i disappointed her. in a lot of ways. coz i didnt grow as a person. And evaluating my year, yeah. i think i got stuck last 2005. Just in case you read this, consider this as my open letter. I really do feel sorry things had to happen this way. And Ivan was right. I kept on running my whole life. If theres a new word for sorry, i think thats it that i will be using.

I miss my mom. There were a lot of years she missed my birthday. Well of course i am too old for this kind of drama shit. But what do you know... old people still has issues. Or the fact again, that i am stuck.

I just wanted to sleep for 2 days. so it would be december 12 then. I wouldnt be thinking what food to cook, what my friends were expecting, what i would be busy of, hosting them, getting drunk with them. in fact, there were many days within this year that it has happened. so why would it be too significant. para lang akong saksi ni jehovah. ngayon naintindihan ko na.

i am not proofreading this. and for the past couple of days, hindi ako nakakatulog. naglalaro ako ng tokobot. kanina sa mall, i was slurring. thank god ryan was there to cheer me up. i trance, drank bottomless orange juice and had potato chips, talk, then trance again.

i really do not know if i am making sense today. its just so irritating that i have to oblige myself to be cheery coz of my birthday and christmas. i really do not feel cheery at all. cheery is not even my pretend-emotion.

im happy in a sense that i have friends. few of them are really excited on celebrating it. and im still afraid to disappoint them. coz im not emo. im just so blank. so blank, i really do not know what i am thinking right now. i think my hands got its own thoughts. it just keeps on moving and typing.

so okay. happy birthday to me. happy birthday abhie. i love you and i wish for pele to be as healthy as a horse. (pun intended. ivan's private joke. teehee) -- yey humor!

so there. i have to go to sleep now. and pretend its a happy day to look forward to.