i woke up, turned on my pc, surfed the net and all the bad things just went brushing off my face. i caught myself reading, had my heartbeat go faster, almost cried, and geez... i thought... in this life... how many times do we really have to be nice and explain things for everybody you want to be a part of your own life?
ive never grown weary doing that. in fact, even if it bleeds my heart, i still try to exert effort when at the same time in the back of my head, i know that theres a big percentage that i wont be listened to. sino ba naman ako?.. well that sounded a bit dramatic and pathetic but there will always come a time that you ask your very own self-importance. coz all the while, the memories you try to keep and treasure.. will just be a big box of junk, youre afraid to throw away. having all kinds of false hope just to see that everything will just be on its normal state.
isnt everybody afraid to die unhappy now? and wow.. is this life THIS meaningless for others? why do we always forget to understand and demand whats very difficult for us to have? especially if we try to ask security from a person whose insecure than the one demanding it? i dont get it.
i had friends. until everybody went nowhere. gone one by one. i still have my old friends though. and i think... people shouldnt have new friends. because it would really take time for us to establish the friendship and define where it is when one of them asks. we couldnt be offguard. every night, we always have to re-evaluate. but again, its unpredictability is more than the word itself.
i cant be myself anymore. i might lose some people but... its where its heading right? i couldnt just save friendships all by myself.
im sad. and im sorry. but i have to cling on to my sanity.
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