Hope Against Hope

It has been so awful that everybody has to live in reality. you throw away all the things you believed in because the hope youve been grasping on is false. in all our years of existence, there is what we call principle. and you stand up to it. not because you just wanted some validation but because it's what you are. its how you feel.

as time passed by, we mightve changed. not because that is life itself but because of survival. there is alwas a phase that we see ourselves stuck in the middle of a forked road. one is to where we are sure of where were heading and one is to find out what's it there in the end. ive been such a curious boy. and curiosity always kills the cat.

all the roads that we walk onto dont necessarily have to be full of obstacles. but its just like walking barefoot on a dirty uneven road. i have travelled a long way baby... but if this is the place where im supposed to go to... i will not hesitate to go back where i started. and i might say ive never walked on comfort. i swallowed my pride, i act unrewarded... not because i wanted to... but just to have a little credit, that i could be a good friend.

it must be so airheaded and arrogant to say that some people are envious on what i have. i wasnt actually designed to think that way. so when some people think that they get used or taken advantage of.... same rates apply. what do i have, anyway? and what do you have?

i am never unfair. i was raised to have a conscience and build camaraderie. thats why i never got into sales. coz i can never sell a product i dont believe in just to get commission. because i feel awkward about it.

i am here where i stand... because i wanted to gain people in my life. i wanted to have fun. i wanted to understand more about the things that i really love. and to understand more about life.

many people knew that i am talkative. i make myself funny. just to fuck out the boredom around us. isnt that the reason why we need companions? friends for that matter... is deeper than that. it has never been a problem that our so-called friends build a life of their own. of course we have different perspectives.... different reasons. but as a friend... you share a common ground. and that is trust. that is where you defend each other... recognizing and emphasizing the times you have been there for each other.

some of us focuses more on the negative side. and that, i think, is how the world shaped us. we build our defenses... before the war starts. but... what if... thered be no war? those walls between us might create it. miscommunications... paranoias. its so strange that some people could just easily shrug it off. pretending that we are on the same page though we really dont understand that much. are we that willing to live a life like that?

so living a quarter of this life... i get to learn a lesson ive never wanted to learn in the first place. why need a lot of people you think youre friends with... if you have a handful to cry on.

i will be walking back. little by little. because im tired of people destroying what i believe in, pulling back all my hopes, and sucking all the respect i have left for myself. i am hoping not to hope anymore.