.....

i hurt. i tremble. and this would be the last time i would tell a soul about this. this has been a carousel of bad things, we kept on riding for the sake of false hopes. until we became nauseous. and now were throwing up so bad.

my world fell apart since i was 14. that is how life took my lead. life is beautiful. overwhelming. if pain makes it more challenging, well, i have been challenged until my soul wanted to get away of my sanity.

i have hurt you for many times. what makes it more sad, i do it unintentionally. i wasnt even aware of this needle i kept on pricking onto you. u bled without any arguments. until spews of reality came out. u burst like an overblown balloon. and the only word i can use as defense is silence. because... your truth was that overlooked ignorance i held for so long.

since everything crashed down, you were the only thing im clinging onto. and now, you gently break into pieces. now im falling into this pit of broken dreams, broken promises and broken memories. and how it hurts so bad. and what can i do? just wait in vain.

i wasnt the kind that take things for granted. until you made me realize that i already am. 6 years ago, i hated myself for who i was. you taught me how to love. you made the sky my lucid turquoise canopy. but it turned out so bad. after all, i never thought i just loved myself for the courtesy of you loving me until that day. we both know that we dont love ourselves on such special way like before, and its much painful that i made it like that. now the sky is just an ominous big waste of space. and i am the person i hate.

so stop. coz this guilt that eats my identity makes me more vulnerable to tears. and again, i would want to have the hurt on my skin than under it. i try to stop myself. but thats just me. prone of hurting myself and anyone.

i want this to end right here and now. this has been the biggest leap of acceptance i have made. so no punctuations please. just period.

im tired. so are you. and again, silence is the only word i have.

the Ripe Tomatoes gig.

geez. it was one hell of a party. i was with abhie, ivan, burns, gene and the listers; tani d. maylene, mikeUPLB, and diego. we had the ROCKSTAR pass! like all you want pizza, beer, pancit malabon and iced tea (for me). kasama pa namin LAHAT ng banda (and yep, may pics kami pero di ko na iuupload dahil konti lang). Hale, Imago, Sandwich, Kjwan, Cambio, Sugarfree, Itchyworms, Sponge Cola, Pedicab, Mojofly, Barbies Cradle, Milk N Money, (may nalimutan pa ba ako???). geez. salamat salamat talaga kay maylene. di ko naman expected na pati food eh sagot sa backstage. ANG SAYA!!!!!! natigil lang coz of the rain. di na nakatugtog parokya ni edgar tsaka session road tsaka itchy. sayang.

basta basta. sobra sobrang astig.

the balance.

it has been such a very tiring day yesterday.

4pm - tutor kina kent and kyle.
7pm - rcbc plaza to meet up abhie and rico. na nagkataong nakasalubong namin si kit sa 711.
9pm - saguijo; hale, mayonnaise, food for the critters, etc. maysakit si champ. pagpasok nya sa bar, umupo sya samin tapos kwento agad tungkol dun sa gig nila sa 70s bistro na pumalpak. buti na lang okay yung performance. hirap talagang magka-asthma. ang tataas pa naman ng songs nila. pero shempre.. si champ na yun e. kaya nya yun.
12mn - club halo; its aias bday! nagbotohan din ng officers ng AKI (alpha kappa imago), at sino ang ginawa nilang presidente?... ako. wuhuhu.
2am - BGs pasay road; bday ni mayet. kaso tapos na nung dumating ako. stay lang for a few minutes.
3am - shisha sa malate.

i have some pictures pero di ko pa nauupload. mamayang 12mn, im off to baguio. geez. yan ang summer. sinasagad.

update:
IMAGO.




HALE.

friendster pic.

i had 14 new friend requests coz of this. ang weird. gusto nila si eugene? eh ang akala ko iisiping isip-bata ako. (which is true). sabagay. bata naman mga nagaadd sakin.

epiphany#5

imago "take 2" album launch. october.

ek.

tagal kong di nakapagpost. hm..

thursday: the hale/spongecola/sugarfree event sa glorietta. dapat backstage ako kaso late dumating si karen. pero at least katabi ko si champ the whole sugarfree slot. hehe. at nagusap kami.

friday: in celebration of gabby's birthday, we went to enchanted kingdom. i had my very first dreamcatcher! yey. hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin yata sa lugar ang utak ko dahil sa space shuttle. basang basa pantalon ko paguwi. pero ansaya naman e. may bago tuloy akong friendster pic na di ko pa nauupload.

saturday: went out with tricia.

yun lang. hilo pako kaya ayokong magisip.

the day i learned how to hurt.

monday, 12 mn. we went to the studio for a band rehearsal. we finished an original song and it turned out good. went home at around 4am then we stayed outside for another 2 hours to talk about the songs. and other stuff.

6am, i got really really sleepy then i signed off. they went home and instantly, i fell asleep. 720 am. i was awaken by some loud banging. i stood up opened the door, and it was my uncle. my drunk uncle, who, in the past 2 years of my life, kept harassing me/us and terrorizing our home, in which i just succumbed to. until my mom, my sister left our very own house and just visits eventually.

until that morning. una, ayoko sa lahat ng ginigising ako. pero yung sinisipa nya pa yung pinto ko e mas mukhang ayoko nun. lumabas ako, at tinanong kung bakit. sabi nya, "bat mo sinara ang pinto ko?" ano daw? sinipa nya ang pinto ko para itanong ang isang walang kakwenta kwentang bagay? mainit kasi sa kwarto nya tapos iniiwan nyang bukas yon. at ANONG PAKIALAM KO SA PINTO NG KWARTO NYA? so sabi ko..
"eh? *sabay labas ng kwarto ng nakaboxers* bukas naman ah."
"shempre binuksan ko!"
"o? anong problema mo ngayon?
"WAG MONG ISASARA ANG PINTO KO!"
"hindi ko nga sinasara ang pinto mo! bat ko ba isasara yan???"
"MAINIT NGA KAYA WAG MONG ISASARA!"

*pasok ng kwarto sabay lock uli ng pinto*

at hindi nako makatulog. tinatawagan ko ang mama ko dahil gusto ko na syang ipapulis. dahil ayoko ng mabuhay sa isang mundong may nakikitira at nanghaharass pa. kundi ba naman nagssuffer sya sa ultimate na kakapalan ng mukha. eksakto, dumating nga si mama dahil may kukuning gamit. nagtaka kung bat gising pako. at kung lasing ba si tito. so sinagot ko naman. nagalit si mama nung nalamang sinipa nya na naman ang pinto ko so bumaba sya at tinanong nya sa PINAKAMAAYOS na paraan kung may galit ba sya sakin. bigla ba namang sinigawan ang mama ko! so nagshirt ako at bumaba. pasigaw kong tinanong kung bakit sumisigaw sya.

bigla nya akong sinugod sa hagdan, at ako, napasugod din pababa. sinapak ko. nagulat sya. tumakbo. kumuha ng walis. hinampas ako sa ulo. sinapak ko uli. ni-headlock ko. binuksan ko yung gate. hinagis sa labas ng bahay. tinadyakan, habang ang linya ko.. "ano! tang ina mo, tayo! gago ka ha!" nagtry syang bumangon pero di gumawa. tapos nakita ko na lang ang daming dugo.

ayoko ng idetalye. pero natapos yun nung pinulot ko sya sa labas para dalhin sa ospital para ipatahi yung kilay nya. 6 stitches. pati mama ko sinugod din. dahil muntik ng atakihin sa puso. sobrang bloodshut yung eyes nya tapos di makahinga.

at sa biyernes, pulis na ang kasama nya dala ang mga gamit papuntang airport. dahil kailangan nya ng lumayas kahit durog ang puso ko sa itsura nya. sawa nako.