On backstabs.

At this day in age sometimes, all we think is life survival. Bills, work and what life has brought us. Friends come and go, relationships may work but one things for sure, there will be people you might  consider your friend and the next thing you know, youre out of blood due to the wounds on your back you'll never imagine you'll have. I am a very trusting person and I easily get attached. I also find myself investing a lot of emotional support when things go rough. But this recent relationship I had, got ruined by the people I trusted. Fueled a jealousy that may had a basis but way too over, instead of fixing it, theyd rather make me as a gaslighter. That instead of talking to us, we were like kids playing tug of war, whose side in on whose, instead of handling it like adults. There is one person I considered close because when he had a breakup with his bf, I let them fight in our house, get drunk and cleaned up their vomit, I was also on his side when he started to lose friends. I know im kinda stubbon on private shit, I read stuff, my fault to browse my hubbys phone and read the conversations that lead my heart to get broken into pieces. I felt like i also lost my friends in real life already and I have to deal with this on my own. I was shattered. And because of the things they feed him, he got to a judgment that hurt me, another person that got involved (well, for being a fucking whore trying to snake his way to my hubs) making it look like its a clean thing to do. without considering what we feel after breaking up. That breakup was for a good cause. I felt like I was the bigger person for letting him go until people started to get involved being the devils advocate. I mean they could have reasons to hate me, but at least dont step inside my house, right? These judases are out of control. Now I have to just swallow the rage and live like i never care. As long as were together. Hope this is the right thing to do. Im praying for our love. And for their souls.

shitposting.

after so many years, heartbreak must be my motivation on blogging. since ive been shitposting on social media, the least chance that i am bothering anyone is through my blog. gotta stay out of any messaging platfroms coz i now realized that i am really fucking pathetic begging for answers i know im not really going to get.

so i was so in love with an asshole for 2 years. i mean hes way younger than me so i let his insensitivity slide. looking to other guys, thirst trapping, and then i thought of mindfucking him by telling stories, and also messaging other guys so i guess that psych strategy didnt work out. instead, he used his father's death to breakup. but then seeing him sleep around hurts me coz in the back of my head, i always hope that we will be back together. no matter what he did during the breakup days, i was ready to accept him anytime he wants. until my friends hated him because of what they witness thats happening to me. i lost the energy i once had, that i have this aura of wanting to be alone. i hate it that every single thing reminds me of him. i thought i could accept it but i am just okay to hating him. i think hes deliberately hurting me making me see those facebook comments, tagged photos and shit, whoring around showing off that hes so fuckable, he doesnt care about HIV.

and i cant believe my masochistic pathetic self for chaasing him everytime theres a chance, because hes so boring and lacks a lot of diskarte in life pushed him to chase his dreams and supported him on all his decisions, carrying the relationship alone, man, i cant even think of a time when he initiated to eat out or watch a movie. i even made him aware of what pop culture is. i mean i gave him the cool o he could be more confident of himself. and what i get is this shit.

now i feel better. thank you internet. ill go back to watching netflix. i was just triggered folding his garbage of underwears. i just wnna throw all of those out.

Tadah.

I welcome myself back to the blog world. Just imported my Multiply blog and was surprised that I swirled back to 2003. Geez. 9 years of blogging and I still sound like myself. Back to where I was.

Guess blogging was really therapeutic for me.

 Ok so let me start with where I am right now. I am currently in my Mandatory Leave (which is basically 2 weeks and Im on my 10th day. It was an emergency leave coz my skin disorder flared-up. Up tp 90% of my body. I have been battling with psoriasis since last year.

Well it appeared when I was 13 but nothing this noticeable. This is the worst Ive ever had. I was taking meds for it whenever it starts to flare up. I was talking Methotrexate (MTX for short), along with ultraviolet exposure (which is called Phototherapy) plus some topical cream, which really worked for me. Until the absence of MTX since April.

 It was out of stock since April and there could be chances that it was available but a pharmacist said once its there, it just takes 2 days and its gone. Oh I just gave up explaining what I feel about this "phenomenon".

MTX is used for rheumatism, cancer and I dont know what else. But for what its worth, at least what I have isnt deadly. Painful at times, but unlike the big C. So I somehow worry for the people with it. Pano yon kung wala silang suppresant?

 Anyway, so my derma made me switch Meds and its 20 times more expensive. No exaggeration. I take MTX 3x for the first 2 weeks. Then its tapered down. Like for example, I take it during my restdays, once every 12 hours. So for a month, I am just taking approximately 10 tablets. One tab is worth 12 pesos. Thats 120Php for a month. Now, Im on neotigason. The fact that I need a waiver, not just a prescription, somehow makes me panic a little. I have to take Neo twice a day. For 15 days. So I will be needing 30 capsules. 1 capsule is worth 115 pesos. 250 a day. Times 30 (for a month). Thats 7500Php. Im sorry. Its not 20x. Thats 62.5 more expensive. And not just that, The progress isnt as fast as MTX.

 I am just shaking my head right now. I just hope this gets over soon. I just wanna live normally like the rest of the world does. Im on my first week taking Neo. And I have to get back to work 5 days from now. Gad.

Meanwhile, I will be finding a good domain name provider. Hope to update my blog every now and then. ^^

So here I go again

It has been a long time since Ive touched this blog. Thank god for the iPhone app, I could just rant anywhere, anytime. 😁

Ive been busy with work since last year. You might as well know, Ive landed on a decent job in Makati, in which, pleases me sooooo much. Good pay, happy people.

Nothing to tell as of now. But lets see what happens if Ill be back here ranting or not.

The Burnout.

I woke up with the weirdest mood. I usually spend my time facing the computer and this day made it odd. I was so bored, I dont even want to go to the office anymore.

Not working isnt reality, I know. But it's just like its too routinary, or mundane, and sometimes, super frustrating. Im not complaining ladies and gentlemen. I know that most of us are dreaming on getting enough money, or more, just to waste your time, being a sloth or a bear who just wanted to hibernate. I think Im old. I just wanna spend my time sleeping. In which, I really dont want to do.

I wanna go to the mall again, buy things I'll think I might need someday. That ends up dusted and boxed til the end of time. I just wanna get my own place, have a car, and strut like a douche without anything to do. Oh my god i just wanna get rich NOW.

My life is a total bore nowadays. I just go to work, then home, or to the hospital 3 times a week to get my phototherapy treatment. Which is soooooo costly by the way. It will seem like I am working to just get that treatment. Doctor says psoriasis is triggered by stress, and I am stressed with my life. Solving problems, which by the way, ARENT MINE. I just like to go away, and not worry about anything. Feel the rain and the sun. Talk with friends, dwell with insult-based humor, cook, blah.

I dont want to work. Gad.

Now

(Apps) Where Did My Money Go?

I have been having that question since high school. Everytime you have cash on hand, small expenses are usually forgotten, not learning your lesson of budgeting well.

I have tried a couple of mobile expense trackers. I installed EasyMoney on my android phone. It has categories that will soon collect input and puts a percentage report, to which category you have spent most. You will also see the details after clicking on the category percentage rate. My trouble with it was, customization. It doesnt allow me to add my own category and I cant see my expenses in daily or weekly order. I cant remember if this app is limited for 30 days only since i only downloaded it as a free app.

I also used Expensify on three phones. iOs, Blackberry and Android. You can attach a picture of your receipt whenever you put in a data. This is a free app, but you can only use it online. Function is nearly perfect but I find it complicated to use.

I am now using CashTrails on iOs. I downloaded a free version and tried it for a week. You can customize currency, it lets you set auto-conversion (e.g. dollar to PhP), sets Accounts, very easy-to-read reports (category-wise, via date and structure), transfer of balance (for more convenient tracking) and its offline. I purchased it for 3.99$ (thats about 200PhP) and I never had a problem using it.

As I track my expenses, I also get to know what I ate, where Ive been, and who Im with. It seemed like a journal using money language. I just hope I could budget well. Looking back makes me feel so guilty on what Ive bought impulsively. But not the app :)

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For Your Entertainment: Child Contestant on Willing Willie

I have watched the video without reading the blog content of the person who posted this. And so I thought, ah, this guy seemed to be the most obvious sitting duck coz he does not have shame to do such easy task of humiliating people, sugar-coating it as "help".

But this video... I cant even finish it. I stopped in the middle where the child seemed to be doing what he doesnt want to do. Not that I blame him for that. I blame everyone in the studio who enjoys that kind of entertainment, laughing every single time the kid says something real. "ano ang dad mo? Ano siya?" I was aghasted anticipating what the child might say and hear the world laugh from it.

This is just... like how I see gladiators try to fight a beast in the middle of an arena. Slave to poverty, trying to survive the things it commanded for him to do, from a monstrous need of others' entertainment. But in movies, fighters seemed tougher, braver and agile. Pretty much, an adult.

Now, how do we try to point out the details leading to this form of demise. The show itself promises hope for the people who needed money. But before joining in the so-called game, contestants must show their talent. Of course we know there is a screening for that, then why is this okay?

The audience pretty much enjoyed it. No one complained. In fact, they found it cute. They laughed every single time the child struggled for answers. Not needing a Psych degree, we all know whats going on inside that childs mind. He was nervous, scared and wondering... Why are they all laughing? Especially on the part where the host emphasized his question.

"Bakit may parlor tatay mo? Ano siya?"
"Kasi po... Para hanapbuhay."
"Ano ang ginagawa niya sa parlor?" "Naggugupit."

After the second question thrown out, the audience laughed as if it was a big joke.

So I cut my writing to this part and watched the video again. The kid was crying when he was dancing like a stripper, stopped, then the host asked him to do it again. The place was roaring with laughter. They were applauding, then Willie asked, "sino nagturo sa yo nyan?" "Si Tita po tsaka si Papa."

So the kid might be thinking, this aint bad. I was just dancing. But we all know its wrong. Its pretty much teaching him words he doesnt understand, and let him say it. We know that, that is never okay.

Norms are dictated by the society. A thing seems right if majority agrees that it actually is.

The last minute of the video got weirder. The kid stood on the stage as the platform lifted while adults were pretending to be excited to touch him. If its Justin Beiber they were trying to imitate, he didnt gyrate like a helpless kid.

It is the entertainment many of us enjoyed. Little acts we ignore, laugh about, and wouldnt care less after. We swam on apathy, drowning to the darkest trench our kids learn to hold their breath to.