I Disappear.

I didnt have the typical weekend everybody is ideally having. I definitely conclude that once you turn old, everything is set in place. Except having the choice to unwind, or just stare at the ceiling waiting for your friends to send you a text, or a facebook notification perhaps.

Sometimes everything becomes too hard to bear. It even goes beyond the unexpected. Like friends being too over-familiar, getting too tired of the same drama when you were a decade younger. Or "loving" the same person despite of dealbreakers you just try to ignore, or explain rationally to yourself.

While doing the laundry at around 9pm, my sister left the dvd on, watching David Copperfield's 15 years of Magic. I just stared at the TV seeing him disappear, go through walls, lose the statue of liberty and produce snow out of his bare hands. I wondered, life must be too easy for him.

I would try to lose the promises intended to be broken. The lies everybody kept on doing. The expectations everyone sets. I will produce happy pills with my bare hands to change my mood. For my own mind to just stop thinking. For my heart to just stop hurting. For every organ that churns everytime my whole body freezes up when I got no one to talk about those fucked up broken promises and truth that I should just accept without feeling anything. I would go through walls and disappear, to just avoid the people who never tried understanding what I really want. What I really need. Because everybody thinks they know better. I cant blame them because we teach people how to treat us. I just never expected I taught almost everyone be toxic and just be plain inconsiderate about what others might feel.

I am the class clown. I am the funny guy. I am the crazy one. That's why I think that I unintentionally made everyone think that I don't need a tap on my back. Or just a plain listening skill. No, everyone thinks its just shit.

I try to be happy. I even tried those new age beliefs about positivity and visualization. Was I not trying hard enough?

I have been building my dreams with cards. Can everyone please hold their fucking breath for a minute and let me stare at it after putting the last card? Or better yet, get out of my fucking life. Go find somebody else's life to ruin.

Or just enjoy what I've built. And appreciate that it's not just crap, it's my work. Have you ever thought I might've building it my whole life?