i will love you forever dex gacad

 i have never been the same without you i will never be whole. i will forever feel horrible that i made mistakes and i lost you because of those. i love you so bad.

hello?

 does anyone read this blog? if so, please text me please. i need human connection. my dog farted ugh

this pandemic.//giving up?

 lately, i have been feeling really anxious about evrything especially my financial status. i have been trying to get a job and seemed like they lost interest on me like they dont call back or I'm left wondering if I got in or what. they seem to approve of me but why arent they calling back to tell when im going to start. thnk god for the help of some of my friends that i get by. but dude the online loans i have. i mean, they kept piling up coz i havent paid them  i mean how can i. i dont know where to get money. imagine that one night, i have to ride a cab just to go to banco de oro to withdraw but it was still on my paymaya so i have to transfer pa and then my phone died. imagine that i cant even pay the cab and have to run and ask for a hundred to a neighbor i barely know, (paid him the next day). i cant even say how rock bottom ive been. i have debt with trish, ivan, miss kaye, ruth, and god knows who pa but i am drowning. i am literally catchiing my breath everytime i think of it and receive a text from the threatening  online loan but im thankful im alive and well of course. its just that it was harder coz dex broke up with me again last july, and now is the perfect time that i needed someone by my side, then ryan and rae have this huge wall for me, roemart hates me, ivan and everyone hates me i know, i always have this lingering thought that everyone hates me, hence me being alone and anxious. this pandemic should end or it will just drive me crazy. birthday's coming up and i feel like a failure that no one wants. its just so hard to stand up again.

quarantine day 73

Ok so its general communit quarantine and we still dont have a transpo. even backriding is still illegal. theres no chance in hell that im going to get assistance, so im stuck literally.

it almost 12mn and im watching carrie. if i could just do this. ugh the things i would do.

still fixing my iphone. and using the old android phone. blech. bulok.

It's 225 am and I have to write this down offline coz my phone suddenly lost its display and two, I have no wifi. Now Im not sure when did the ecq start? was it march 15?... anyway, today is the first day of the general community quarantine. and I realized a lot of things during this lockdown. One, I really got to rely on hope coz there were instances that it was driving me nuts coz I was alone in the house. But, I was never alone. I had my friends that I could call or talk to online when I had a phone and data.  Two, I have my sister. There were a few moments that triggered my panic attacks, like getting my meralco bill. I quit my job before the pandemic, Which was a bad move I suppose. Coz I can work at home. Too bad, I got sick before it happened and my flu was horrendous. It was embarassing enough, reason that I would not go to the office 'coz I was chat support and our bay usually is a bay of typing and clicking. No one's really blabbering unless its an idle time. SO I dont wanna be coughing like Im dying. Coz I sounded like that. Dying. So no job, no money. What's depressing is I did not get assistance from government like sss, dswd or dole coz the barangay said, I'm alone and single. How sad is that.

Forgive me, I cant sleep. Thats why im here typing my misery away. Getting so paranoid that there is someone walking up the stairs coz Im hearing the floor creaking.

And I lost a friend. He's one of the people that I can count on actually. Julio. He's usually my go to when things are crazy. His idiotic jokes and stories always crack me up. He's silent but man, that kid. I just cant dwell on that so moving on...

Realizing, that during these times,  the street, the traffic, isnt so bad after all. I think Ive complained too much before that this virus changed everything.

Catharsis.

Its almost 5 am and i have a lot of words brewing inside my raging brain. My heart is so shattered I cant feel anymore. I guess this fight will be a john wick one. A one-man army. I dont trust anyone to understand what I feel anymore. I lost a bestfriend who has supported me all the way because Im too sad. I was even compared to the leech of a person that he had unrequited love with. I think I stopped talking to him after hearing those words because I never thought there will come a time that he will stop understanding the pain Im having. The clusterfuck of shit that I go through. It was cathartic to sabotage myself on social media being petty and all but then I also stopped trusting the people I am connected with.

I really guess we all die alone huh. And no one can save us but ourselves. Im just waiting for the right time where I will feel needed again and all they will hear is No. This superman complex has left earth and I will be the ego-maniac you dont wanna be around with. Its just that I have to start living comfortably with my own skin. I was too sad to move. So i guess the only way back is to turn around.  And forget everyone existed. I will return the favors I had to survive and just move along without anyone except for my family. being happy and successful is really the brightest middle finger they will see.

May sound sad but a solid plan though. God I am so mad right now. I cant let this shit people ruin me using my own mind. I will be awesome like I ever was. Because I am born to be awesome and we have seen him before. This was just a phase after losing my mom. And my favorite dog. I just have to really stand up soon and relearn all the selfish things Ive done. I will not care for anyone Im sorry.

On backstabs.

At this day in age sometimes, all we think is life survival. Bills, work and what life has brought us. Friends come and go, relationships may work but one things for sure, there will be people you might  consider your friend and the next thing you know, youre out of blood due to the wounds on your back you'll never imagine you'll have. I am a very trusting person and I easily get attached. I also find myself investing a lot of emotional support when things go rough. But this recent relationship I had, got ruined by the people I trusted. Fueled a jealousy that may had a basis but way too over, instead of fixing it, theyd rather make me as a gaslighter. That instead of talking to us, we were like kids playing tug of war, whose side in on whose, instead of handling it like adults. There is one person I considered close because when he had a breakup with his bf, I let them fight in our house, get drunk and cleaned up their vomit, I was also on his side when he started to lose friends. I know im kinda stubbon on private shit, I read stuff, my fault to browse my hubbys phone and read the conversations that lead my heart to get broken into pieces. I felt like i also lost my friends in real life already and I have to deal with this on my own. I was shattered. And because of the things they feed him, he got to a judgment that hurt me, another person that got involved (well, for being a fucking whore trying to snake his way to my hubs) making it look like its a clean thing to do. without considering what we feel after breaking up. That breakup was for a good cause. I felt like I was the bigger person for letting him go until people started to get involved being the devils advocate. I mean they could have reasons to hate me, but at least dont step inside my house, right? These judases are out of control. Now I have to just swallow the rage and live like i never care. As long as were together. Hope this is the right thing to do. Im praying for our love. And for their souls.