broken record.

all i have is an empty ashtray for me to fill.
wallowing through these walls of emptiness
as i bounce back and forth
without any redeeming value.
i try to gain everything
that i might have lost
but fuck it has no sense at all
i gather all the letters of the alphabet
that my fingers could reach
while it seize my blood
from flowing through my very whole being
and it gives me a headache
and a stomachache out of being
hypochondriac
i wanna throw up
every memory of you
that i can imagine
and save myself from every
pigments of your shadow
pictures of your smile
recalls of your laughter
and i dont wanna remember
a moment of my gleams
coz all the time i think
that i just made my heart jump
temporarily
it sucked all the future
that i held tightly
with those stars that we both thought
we could have in a lot of possible ways
but to let it go
just to make it fall
for someones wish to be granted
was the fight i gave up
for my own sanity
and now
regretting my very existence
hurts me more.
over and over.
again and again.
i dont know what to do anymore
with everything that i have
seemed like a meaningless tragedy
that ive been trying to abandon for
a quarter of this life
coz i have been finding myself
wiping all of my tears
without anyone hearing me cry.
i am the loneliest broken record
anyone could afford to listen to.