tinin tin tin tin tin tin tin tin.

havent slept yet. i am officially awake for 28 hours and 39 minutes. *eyes throbbing*

words that got stuck inside me. reformat, backup files, partition, install, reboot, corrupt, uninstall, re-reformat, re-partition, re-install, re-reboot, trial, register, DONT register, PANIC! delete.

i have to install everything again. sana buhay na lang ang pedeng ireformat. hindi pc. huhuhu. ANG MGA FILES KO?!!!!!!??!!! WUHUHUHUHUHUHU!!! *shreaks while kneeling... rain pours... muddy.. arms spreaded eagle-like** ANG MGA FILES KOOOOOOOOOORRRGGGHHHH!!!!

on the other hand... my everything is moss green. :D even my winamp player!




oh. and my bearshare is ruined. ayaw ng mainstall ng maayos. malungkot na buhay. shet.

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*breathe xavier breathe*


i woke up.. went donwstairs.. heated 2 slices of pizza, got a glass of milk, went upstairs, turned on my pc, cant connect at first, finding out that my system is corrupted. no icons sa network connection, cant find bluetooth and some shitty popups telling blahblahs. so i went downstairs turned on my ps2.. and it cant read ANYTHING. like it doesnt know anything. (his name is rakki. my ps2.) its like rakki saying.. "ano tong mga to? ano to? ano ang cd? ano ang pinagsasabi mo? sino ako?" sumthin like that.

so here i am. masakit at mainit ang ulo, coz i wole up too late.. and now i cant find an installer and a repair service for my ps2.

THIS DAY FUCKS!

so pag wala ako at di online ng mga ilang days.. tuliro ako nun at naghahanap ng repair shops. i warned rakki na isosoli ko sha. hah!

yeeehaaaaaa!!!!

she.. i owe you this post! HAHAHAAHAHAHAH i love this!!!

her friend uses different names while ordering at STARBUCKS.

1. customer name: free

"One venti mocha frappuccino for FREE!" *sabay tingin lahat ng barista*

2. customer name: ever

"One grande hot tea for EVER? *sabay tingin lahat ng tao*

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA i cant wait to try this!!!

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yan ang bunga ng aking depresyon. pininyahang adobo. isa sa mga specialty ko. nilutuan ko si che. :)

white flag.

nandito pa rin ako. nakatitig lang sa isang kahon habang pinipilit bulagin ng liwanag ng araw na sumisingit sa pinto. akala ko paggising... tanggal na ang bigat ng loob ko. antagal ko ring nakatulog. pero hindi pa rin maalis lahat. iba pa rin ang takbo ng isip kong tila nabalutan na ng hamog. minsan... iniisip ko kung totoo ang sumpa ng isandaang taong pagtulog. hati talaga sa gitna. masaya dahil mas malabong masaktan ka sa panaginip pero.. pwede pa ring bangungutin. nakakatakot dahil baka paggising mo.. ganun pa rin ang mundo. mas malala.. wala na ang mga taong pinaghirapan mong mahalin.

bat ba adik ako sa pagbabago. hindi dahil sa hindi ako marunong makuntento. dahil.. pagod lang akong mabigo at masaktan. dahil baka makalabit ko ang sarili ko at sabihing ako ang may kagagawan ng lahat ng sakit. sana hindi na lang ako marunong magisip. sana wala akong nararamdaman. akala ko natapos ko na ang panahong ganito ako. pero.. ang tagal kong naglakbay, nandito pa rin ako sa umpisa.

napakarami kong tinatago. pinapatunayan sa lahat na masaya akong tao. ano ba yung batayan ng saya? kung sa lakas ng tawa, at mga ngiting hindi nawawala.. mukha nga akong masaya. kahit nasa akin na ang halos lahat na makapaglilibang sakin.. tangina nandito pa rin ako. iniisip ang mga taong hindi na dapat isipin. nanghihinayang ba ako sa lahat ng napagsamahan? para saan ba lahat ng ginagawa ko? bat ganito. wala ata akong napala. naguwi lang ng sakit at nilatag sa kama na lagi kong hihigaan gabi gabi at gigisingan pag umaga.

nakakalungkot dahil masakit din para sa mga taong "mahal" ako. pero hanggang ngayon.. kung alam kong mahal ako ng mga taong tinutukoy ko.. bakit may quotation marks ang salitang yan. (tangina nalimutan ko tagalog ng quotation marks). bobo nako. hindi nako marunong magisip. tangina tangina tangina. masarap sanang maging bobo. pero sana.. hindi natatauhan pagdating ng panahon. yung tipong bobo ka lang habangbuhay. na kahit gamitin ka.. hindi mo maiisip na gagawin nila yon. eh bobo ka nga e. iwas sakit. iwas gulo. mas madali sigurong sumaya.

naglakad ako mula rito hanggang sa isang lugar na hindi ko pa nakikita. naglakad ako ng malayo, nakakapagod at mabato. pero bakit ganun, kung ano yung batong nasipa ko sa umpisa.. nandito pa rin sa harap ko. kulang na lang.. pagtawanan rin ako.

sabagay.. nakakatawa nga naman ang pagkatao ko. kahit ano pang paninindigan at pakikipaglabang gawin... tatawa lang lahat. dahil wala akong saysay. buo na ako sa isip nila at ganon kakilala. kahit sabihin kong mali ang pagkakakilala sakin... ano pa ba ang magagawa ko?

magpapaalam na naman ako. walang hanggan ko nang ginawa to.

bat pa kasi ako tatambay sa lugar nato? para saan? wala namang mangyayari. tatanghod lang, papalakpak, magbibigay ng papuri, tatawa, yayakap, tatapik sa likod, pagkatapos.. ano na? balik sa pagkataong wala na namang mapupuntahan. dadayain ang sarili na bibigyan ka ng direksyon ng mga taong inakala mong naging kaibigan mo na. pero isang malaking HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA.. dahil putang ina.. ginagamit ka lang pala.

A Y O K O N A! balik uli ako sa umpisa. isa lang akong token sa monopoly. na pinapatakbo ng gulong ng dice at umaasa sa swerte ng kamay na gagamit sakin. na alam kong matatalo lang uli at malamang.. ihagis ako pagkatapos. ilalagay sa kartong tinititigan ko ngayon, hanggang sa alikabukin.. na parang matutulog ng isandaang taon.

game over. ayawan na. as in. A Y A W A N N A!

people.

we meet people. in the most ordinary and in the strangest ways. i myself, during this journey.. i have met and showed the real me. no pretentions. i just let my heart do the things it wanted me to do. no self-intentions until..

i tried having as many friends as i wanted. ive met a thousand people trust me but it went down to not more than twenty. not everybody knew i cried about that. its so weird that i am too emotional about having people a part of my life. i find having new friends larger than anything i could ever wanted.

but just months had passed, everything changed. i took some rest, caught up with everything ive left in my life.. then everything is like the beginning again. i didnt know them at all. its so weird. like.. theres this awkward feeling in the air that exudes whenever i talk to them. some.. havent changed at all, then missed like im really.. special. and thats what everybody wanted right? we wanted to be needed. we wanted to be a "someone" to some people's hearts. but this world really sucked. majority of who lives in it just goes on without looking back.

i offered myself to everybody ive met. until it seemed like i was too much of a help. i dont know if ive offended anyone.. but i really felt sorry when it happened. im not paranoid. i just know what i feel. and believe me.. i know when a person is already annoyed by my presence. i dont seek attention as well. i just wanted to feel.. needed. i am actually not expecting anything in return.

sometimes.. its so weird that people lose respect to some. they step out of the chalk line everybody draws. doesnt anyone do that? like.. we have the golden rule right? then if you dont want to be offended.. dont offend. its the simplest rule ive known.

some.. became abusive. okay, we label ourselves as "friends" but dont maximize the benefits. do we really have to check out each other's limitations? its too sad coz im the kind of a person that quits easily. once you hurt me.. i will never EVER give you a chance of hurting me again.

now here is the benefit of the doubt gone bad. when some people think im stupid, i may play dumb, but.. think again. and again. once a favor.. say the magic word. please. coz i never owe anyone anything. trust me on that. now.. i hate some people ive met. they think they're good, cool, but they're the word ABUSE personified. especially the ones who thinks they can get away with ANYTHING. oh i badly wanted to drop names.. but still.. i dont wanna hurt anyone. i am still fuckingly hopeful, that they werent aware of what they are doing. but its sooo bad, they thought it was as normal as their everyday life before. kids, check your diaries and start from january. check if i already existed in there. if within those dates.. my name wasnt there.. think if I deserve to be treated when weve only met for months. coz i am fucking sure.. I HATE YOU AS OF THIS MOMENT I AM WRITING THIS.

i can live with all my friends from before. and i am eternally grateful for people ive met by now. some, i mean. coz within this timespan, some people have done the biggest things that made me happy. just by being sincere and humble. oh you know who you are.

i think what i need is to focus. coz ive left the people more important than anything and i am so sorry i made them wait. but thats the point.. they waited. and they never expected anything in return from me.

so lets please respect each other when it comes to a lot of things. coz ive given enough already. and the keyword there is enough.

astonishing xmen. :D

I had whedon's astonishing xmen from 1-12. and its cliffhanger was about prof x's dark secret. while i was browsing... ive read this post from a message board that made me laugh like a hyena. kudos to rico. this ones for you. hahahaahaha.




That does it! I have confessions I must share with you all!

Oh, what now?

Mr. Sinister is your real father? You secretly created the Sentinels? The Fake Xorn was your dark side given form?

You're gay. That's it, right?

What? No, of course not. Bobby's the one who's gay.

My boyfriend's gay?!

Back to my revelation--

Bobby can't be gay. He said he and I were just experimenting with and exploring our friendship.

WHAT?!

Hey, that's the same line Storm tried to use one me.

Ixnay, ixnay.

I haven't met her. Is she the newest X-man?

W-what?

Will you all shut up? I'm trying to bare my soul and share these confessions with you all!

Seems like the men around this place like baring things...especially to each other!

Hear me, X-men! I am no longer the secret keeper you knew! I am gossip! And rumor incarnate! Now and forever, I am Tattletale!

Oh, bloody hell.

Xavier's dark secret is...he secretly based the first X-men uniforms on bondage gear!

What?! Jean, you know that's not true!

I don't know. Those old uniforms did have a tendency to ride up in the seat.

Will you all shut up? That's not one of the confessions I want to share at all!

Then what is it, Oh Blad Boon and Bane of our lives?

I simply want to share with you my Confessions...On A Dancefloor CD that I just bought this week. It's the best Madonna album in years!

Huh?!

Take it from Charlie X. Buy my new CD Confessions On A Dancefloor. It'll be a genesis of fun for you!

Oh, heck. We're commercial shills now?

Well, it takes a lot of money to run this operation, you know. By the way, Scott, can you put these decals on the X-jet promoting the album and the single "Hung Up." Emma and Storm, I'll need you to change the Xavier Institute of High Learning sign into the Xavier Institute of Madonnalogical Studies.

Don't forget to pass out the mandatory red string for them to wear too, bub!

Yes, ma'am.

J'accuse!

Yes. I could use a nice soak in the jacuzzi myself. All this madness is quite more than I care to handle!

Oh, my god. Bobby owns EVERY Madonna album? He must be gay then!

Sigh.

Look, you don't have to be gay to like Madonna.

But it wouldn't hurt!