two weeks.

its the first of June. and so far, it has been so bad, ive been spacing out all day in front of my friends.

at exactly 12mn, i was starting to think that i really should run away. away from a place where nobody knows me. that i wont need an internet account, cellphone, or anything that my past could reach me.

my sister and her family will be heading south to live there. and it breaks my heart to know that i cant cry and walk to their house anymore. wala na akong iiyakan. ang layo na. i cant imagine myself looking so sluggish and soaked up in tears inside an fx going to their house somewhere in paranaque. she actually offered me to live with them for the meantime since she knew that me being alone could trigger the worst thing that ive done for how many times. im planning to get my own place if i start working on a call center or somewhere decent and start over. back to square one wow.

i am a crybaby. i always feel like im a failure. it changed when i had cheche in my life. she was my strength, my self-esteem, my whole self. i really am nowhere without her. i was too dependent and secured. just to realize that i shouldnt be.

i promised that i wont write anything about her anymore. i am actually hesitant on bringing the topic up. im so sorry for the disappointed readers and if you cant take it anymore, feel free to delete me as your contact, and i wont hold it against you. i know its getting too tiring and believe me, i would love to stop myself but then again, im such a weakling, i cant help to write this in my journal. i just cant pretend that im all well with whats happening inside me. its eating me up.

the past 2 weeks were okay. i was a bit surprised to face her like nothing had happened. i still get worried when i know shes still out while the rain is pouring heavily. coz of gabby, i was with her for almost every night. and everytime i see her like nothing is wrong, seeing her smile, her eyes... i always feel like theres nothing wrong. i want to hug her and cuddle her while watching tv, make her cook something for me, and all at the same time, it hurts me. because i cant do those things anymore.

im always sleepless coz i think of her.

the past two weeks were a grand denial stage. i literally distract myself of finding anything to do, post, watch, read and i-dont-know-what anymore. its like you have this really thumping headache then you had some painkiller... like you dont really squirm from the pain anymore but you know that the pain is still there, waiting for the drug to come off.

i always ask her questions about you-know-who and i always find the answers disappointing. i want her to be right. i want her to go on with it. i want the pain to just hit me right at my face so i would actually finally feel that thrusting pain once and for all. ive always felt uninformed about what's REALLY happening and her answers do not support what ive read or seen. i am so stupid to do these things. eh hindi rin naman pala ako maniniwala. so im not making any sense. and i know im not making any sense. thats what hurts me. coz i know im just riding a carousel, mundane, nauseating and NOT thrilling.

aaminin ko, the past couple of weeks, umaasa akong magiging maayos kami. umasa akong may ipopost ako rito sa blog ko na patunay kung gaano ako katanga. minsan, yung galit na nararamdaman mo sa kanya, pinipilit mong maging valid. pinipilit mo yung sarili mong magkadahilan dahil alam mo kung ano ang DAPAT mong maramdaman sa mga nangyari. pero alam mo naman, alam nating lahat, na gugustuhin mong masaktan ng paulit-ulit, balikan ka lang. na kaya mong kalimutan ang sakit, tiisin ang mga bangungot, ang takot na mangyari uli, maramdaman mo lang na nandyan lang sila sa tabi mo. at hindi maikukumapara ang mga tulog mo gabi-gabi kahit takot ka, kasi kahit niloloko mo ang sarili mo, pakiramdam mo sayo lang sya.

pero sumuko na ako. :( sobrang sakit man at hirap ng nararamdaman ko ngayon, mas matatamisin ko namang sumaya na lang siya sa iba kesa pilitin nya yung sarili nyang kumbinsihin na ako pa rin ang mahal nya. kahit alam ko talaga na hindi na. kahit sabihin pa nya ng paulit ulit, na dapat akong maniwala, alam ko talaga na hindi na. kasi kung mahal nya ako, hindi na dapat umabot sa ganito. :~~~~~(

nalulungkot ako kasi hiniling ko talaga sya sa diyos. naalala ko yung araw na nasa simbahan ako. na sana makita ko na yung taong makakasama ko habangbuhay. yung hindi magsasawang mahalin ako. tapos nagising na lang ako na sya pala yun. akala ko sya yun. akala ko.

yun pala, yung mga bagay na hindi nya sinasabi sa akin na hindi okay sa kanya, gagamitin nya lang para wala na akong masabi. para masabing tama lang yung nangyari. that i deserve to dwell on this kind of hurt. na dapat, maintindihan ko kung ano ang napapagdaanan ko kasi napagdaanan nya na raw to.

how could you actually defend yourself from something that escaped your memory a long time ago? i find it unfair. at wala na akong lakas para ipagtanggol pa ang sarili ko. kasi mas gusto ko nang may dahilan kung bakit ako nasasaktan kesa nangangapa ako sa dilim. kahit hindi ko na alam kung tama o mali yung dahilan, kung mali talaga ang mga nagawa ko, aakuin ko na lang. para makaramdam pa ako. marami rin naman akong problema. pero pinilit kong balewalain kasi nandyan sya sa tabi ko. again, shes my strength. at ngayong kailangan ko ng bumitaw, haharapin ko na lang to lahat ng mag-isa.

and because of that thought, masakit isipin na ang kakapitang ama ng pinakamagandang anghel na nabuhay sa mundo, eh mas mahina pa sa bulok na kahoy. kaya hanggang ngayon, i will pretend na kaya ko lahat, para kay gabby. ayokong ipakita sa kanya lahat ng pagsisisi ko.

june 1 na. papatapos na ang taon. ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganitong uri ng lungkot at takot sa pasko. at sa mga susunod pang araw.