Defeating The Purpose.

The great way to start a diet is to make your heart stepped on. i havent eaten all day, not a single solid food, and 613am, my mind is still zooming like a crazy drunk schumacher. beat that diet.

im so emo, i could eat mud while ripping my skin off.

today is the 16th. and from now on 16s would be the friday the 13th of my life. imagine having monthly friday the 13ths, its all bad luck. i dont believe in luck anyway.

i just feel sad about everything. i lost my faith in that so-called L word. i just cant stand the fact that i could be able to forgive after reading a ym conversation with me being blamed about the hardship of a person. i should feel guilty... but... i thought i tried my best. well all the pity-parties are not "in" anymore so i think i matured a lil just to feel affected then sit in a dark corner and cry.


speaking of... this is the reason why people think they have to hold on to what they have. Guilt. sometimes, we all tend to think that ruining one relationship with our fault makes us responsible of fixing things up. but then again, there are gazillion points to consider. (and gazillion means many so ill just pick whatever crosses my mind)

- was it REALLY unintentional?
- could you weigh it if its reconcileable?
- are the reasons supporting the act justifiable?
- am i 12?

but there are people whod like to pinpoint whos to blame.
"you should be.. blahblah... thats why i blahblah-ed BECAUSE you blahblah-ed!"

i thought the point of having a relationship was a good constant healthy communication. having a partner in crime, having a confidant, having someone who could understand the weirdest philosophies you carry until you get grey hairs. so about the pinpointing... does it still matter?

if you encountered... lets say... a decade of, a supposed to be healthy relationship, then one makes a mistake you would somehow regret (depends if youre heartless), is it still valid when you use the alibi... "i am just testing you, if you could really fight for me til the end"?? dont you think its too lame and really terribly insulting?

hypothetically, that decade of a relationship, and lets say the 7-year-itch started to grow on you, then flirted (why? because technically, the flame could somehow die down, the sex is not that constant anymore, and you still wanted to feel wanted by others) is it really necessary for you to ruin your real partner's character and lay down all your cards to um.. lets say... uh... a complete stranger from a friendster-like website? isnt it pathetic and... kind of a call of desperation? if you are a person with common logic, and claims that you love your partner, do u actually need to do that?

it just gathers up air inside you for a sigh youve never thought would be relieving for the heaviest of your heart. and a lot healthy to think that we do really teach people how to treat us, than pinpointing whos fault was at work. cause as clear as the daylight, the tests, the drama, the so-called "i am so confused and i didnt mean to hurt you", the messages left... DONT MATTER ANYMORE especially if the damage it created changed on how you look towards that person. so, if i failed that kind of a test, i wouldnt give a fuck because after doing such test on me, it would be a flunking surprise quiz for you.

its like youve been with a person for 10 years then suddenly, you dont know her anymore. a transition even the transformers cant perform. and you could JUST imagine the time you see her after... its like... seeing a beagle who could breathe fire that could consume all within its 10meter range. an entirely different DANGEROUS creature. not even used in harry potter books.

the old xavier is back folks. the xavier who despise trusting your heart to a person. the xavier who is... hahahaha ive just read this from one chat... irresponsible, and will never be responsible EVER. the person who is a complicatiion to a romeo and juliet. (imagine a teleserye with gerard anderson and kim chiu with the antagonist john regala/dick israel/rex cortez as kim chiu's first partner, until gerard passed by into her life, sweeping off her feet then... imagine me as one of those three, take your pick. pangit di ba?) the xavier who talks about himself as a third person, in which... is NEVER cute. so lets hide him again.

blogging this is actually a bit off. but i think some of the people should have the right to know especially if this was the kind of game she wanted to play all along. i actually had NO IDEA. this is so simple i should have done this a long time ago. and its therapeutic. i could be emo slashing my veins off but i guess im too old for that.

i am so emo, i would listen to screaming infidelities the whole day and act like i really feel alone.

shet.