The Longest Nightmare

Its the 3rd day since i knew everything. until now i am obsessing by looking through all the pictures and their ym conversations. i havent had sleep yet since day one. and im going to my sisters house so she could accompany me to a doctor because im feeling that something bad is going to happen to me. im nauseous.

whenever everyone in my yahoo list is asleep, i find myself thinking about it, looking at the pictures again until i numb myself. i try to find some sleep. i turn off my pc monitor, lie down, close my eyes, then nothing. i kept on yawning but my mind doesnt seem to shut down. all the memory flashes. and this time, little by little, its sinking in. slow and hard.

thank god for friends. salamat sa diyos talaga. that line may be said and heard a million times but im typing it with every inch of its meaning. i would NEVER survive this shithole without them. Ryan and JM brought me food last night. they made me eat. i only started to eat yesterday. because i know i need it to live. all the people are asking me the question "ok ka lang" and i answer with a smile, a nod or a joke. because i really wanted to feel ok. i am willing to feel ok. its just sooooo hard to start to be okay especially if all the people around you does their ordinary everyday activities. when everyone starts to go home, work or sleep.

i know i cant easily just shrug it off. i could move on. i would move on. but since its fresh, the first step is the hardest. i cant read a book. my mind doesnt absorb anything.

when i was making coffee downstairs, i tend to think that there are a lot of people who are suffering more. this could be just nothing to them. but i am not "other people", the other half of my mind says. right now, i dont think i need to be irrational and just focus on what i feel. nakakabaliw pag kinumpara ko pa to sa iba para lang masabing kaya ko to. abhie said i need to wallow from it. i think its true.

were going to Mall Of Asia with everyone. Champ would be there. Champ already became one of my bestfriends since we knew a lot from each other and we cry to each other if needed. he helped me from other things too. grabe. and thats whats scary. champ doesnt know what happened pa. hes a fan of our relationship pa naman since theyre the one who played when i proposed. ayoko kasi ng pityparty. yun ang kinakatakutan ko. pero i cant not go because its like im pushing people away. and i dont push people away. as far as i know. i think this would be the day where id cry a river in public. wag lang sana akong tapiktapikin sa balikat ni champ or i-hug ni anna or kausapin ni mamu, but then again, thats what we always do.

this is definitely the longest nightmare. as much as i wanted to wake up, i cant because i know i cannot sleep.